tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282612866471682237.post9088144279092866830..comments2023-05-26T09:43:26.163-06:00Comments on Robin Ambrose: GUTGAA Pitch Contest #36: WATER LILYAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14628412968169366744noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282612866471682237.post-30160180425212577392012-09-19T16:33:30.161-06:002012-09-19T16:33:30.161-06:00I really like the premise of this (and I think you...I really like the premise of this (and I think you could query it as YA Sci-Fi if you wanted), and I like the setting shown in the opening 150 words, and I'm intrigued to see why her biochip is buzzing.<br><br>You've got my vote!Judge MacGuffinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282612866471682237.post-54718605496708240272012-09-18T23:18:40.090-06:002012-09-18T23:18:40.090-06:00PITCH: This concept is another intriguing one (an ...PITCH: This concept is another intriguing one (an agent’s job must be SO HARD!). The beginning of the third paragraph goes a little too far into synopsis-land, in my opinion, and if you cut that part and ended the pitch with Sadie’s decision, the pitch would be stronger. It’s already very well done, though. [I’m not convinced the stakes are high enough, but if I were an agent, I’d request a partial.]<br>FIRST 150: With the first sentence, I’m trying to reconcile how she can “flip” through photos while the pages “cling” to her finger. It’s a matter of verb choice, though, and wouldn’t turn me off immediately. Also, I need what Donald Maass calls a “bridging conflict” here—some extra tension, beyond the “forbidden” book, beyond the buzzing in her wrist startling her.Missus Braidyheadnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282612866471682237.post-70010215998255993092012-09-18T17:27:02.160-06:002012-09-18T17:27:02.160-06:00I really love the atmosphere your pitch is present...I really love the atmosphere your pitch is presenting--it's both mysterious and moonlit but also fast-paced and promises delightful twists and turns. This was one of my favorites.<br><br>Congratulations! YOU HAVE MY VOTE TO MOVE FORWARD.Miss Mary Macnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282612866471682237.post-29523667466697825802012-09-18T15:02:17.051-06:002012-09-18T15:02:17.051-06:00I think the query could be tightened in the last p...I think the query could be tightened in the last paragraph, but I'd give you my vote if I had one. :pAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282612866471682237.post-18677058000625682762012-09-18T13:01:32.565-06:002012-09-18T13:01:32.565-06:00This is a very compelling entry! Sounds haunting f...This is a very compelling entry! Sounds haunting from the query and the sample really pulled me in. I agree with Bethany that it might set that type of mood even quicker by beginning the story at the second paragraph, but in any case I would definitely read on.kiperoohttp://kiperoo.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282612866471682237.post-48970734769420268112012-09-18T10:52:37.257-06:002012-09-18T10:52:37.257-06:00Very interesting premise. I love a good mystery--a...Very interesting premise. I love a good mystery--and this seems to have all the makings for one. <br><br>This sample really resonated with me: "Mom said nothing is ever truly gone as long as you remember it, and I think that’s why she gave me this book. To have the memories of trees and plants and flowers live on even if they’re not our memories."<br><br>It's a nice opener for what's to come in this book. I can imagine Sadie's distress in fighting over a world she doesn't truly know as her own. You've set up some nice conflict there--well done.<br><br>I love the visual of a Water Lily, but based on what I read in the pitch, wonder if that's too *soft* a title for such a compelling read ?? Just a suggestion--like all, it's subjective :)<br><br>Anyway, best of luck to you. <br>YOU'VE GOT MY VOTE TO MOVE FORWARD!BEEZERnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282612866471682237.post-61118882903920199852012-09-18T09:12:25.443-06:002012-09-18T09:12:25.443-06:00Love! I think the writing is fantastic and beautif...Love! I think the writing is fantastic and beautiful. Best of luck!Brianna Shrumnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282612866471682237.post-78739810192646068762012-09-18T08:40:09.231-06:002012-09-18T08:40:09.231-06:00That query is definitely enticing--makes me want t...That query is definitely enticing--makes me want to read more! Love the futuristic elements you showcase in the brief excerpt. Can't wait to read!Liza Kanehttp://lizakane.menoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282612866471682237.post-17206100587146698742012-09-18T07:33:04.909-06:002012-09-18T07:33:04.909-06:00Love the third paragraph of your query! Haunting. ...Love the third paragraph of your query! Haunting. Like Triona, I'm loving the mystery element here. Excited to read more!Debbie Burnshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01982833536997960549noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282612866471682237.post-21851915336646514252012-09-17T14:27:19.303-06:002012-09-17T14:27:19.303-06:00Ooo, I like this one a lot. Mysteries with sci-fi ...Ooo, I like this one a lot. Mysteries with sci-fi elements suck me right in, and yours is well-written and intriguing.Trionahttp://thinkingtoinking.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282612866471682237.post-48095151868390829882012-09-17T13:02:45.756-06:002012-09-17T13:02:45.756-06:00YES. This query is legit--I'm totally sucked i...YES. This query is legit--I'm totally sucked in and dying to know what happens next!Corey Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08228521293544063316noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282612866471682237.post-45593258105840323212012-09-17T12:53:58.106-06:002012-09-17T12:53:58.106-06:00Thanks so much for the kind words, everyone! It...Thanks so much for the kind words, everyone! It's always incredibly encouraging to hear people like your story. Good luck to all the GUTGAA participants!Laurahttp://laurajmoss.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282612866471682237.post-29711290167948359332012-09-17T12:21:04.924-06:002012-09-17T12:21:04.924-06:00You already know how much I love this. ;)You already know how much I love this. ;)Kayla Olsonhttp://owlandsparrow.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282612866471682237.post-1203669919745263442012-09-17T10:50:39.639-06:002012-09-17T10:50:39.639-06:00Hi,I like the query very much, though I did find i...Hi,<br>I like the query very much, though I did find it a bit too long. I'd suggest just going with the first two paragraphs. The stakes are clear in those already, and you want to give enough info to hook the reader.<br>The writing in the first 150 is good.<br>Best of luckSujahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16899054126546663789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282612866471682237.post-6005982770286696322012-09-17T10:15:04.630-06:002012-09-17T10:15:04.630-06:00Great query! It hooks me right away! I actually wa...Great query! It hooks me right away! I actually was hooked on second paragraph & third paragraphs. However, I am a reader that prefers to start with the action. Wonderful job!nicolemillikenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05295613134342721167noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282612866471682237.post-31797348692502376142012-09-17T09:59:51.847-06:002012-09-17T09:59:51.847-06:00This sounds like a super interesting read! I agree...This sounds like a super interesting read! I agree with the commenter above who said that the 3rd graf in the query might not even be necessary — I find it more suspenseful with just the first two. <br><br>The first 150 are very intriguing — I definitely want to know what's happening with the lights and alarms. Is she in trouble for reading the book?!?Chinahttp://chinadespainfreeman.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282612866471682237.post-27767449518910679522012-09-17T09:20:43.276-06:002012-09-17T09:20:43.276-06:00Very cool concept! I'd definitely read this! T...Very cool concept! I'd definitely read this! The third paragraph of your 150 was especially exciting and pulled me right into your world!Kimberly Gabrielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05588782441929008886noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282612866471682237.post-76821812623331581052012-09-17T08:51:54.696-06:002012-09-17T08:51:54.696-06:00Hi Robin!Love the concept. When I read your query ...Hi Robin!<br><br>Love the concept. When I read your query I was hooked after the first paragraph—I don't even think you need the third...but that's just me.<br><br>Great opening. I would maybe consider putting the mom's quote first, then describe the brittle pages of the book. <br><br>This is great. You should get some requests.<br><br>Cheers!<br><br>Bethany Myershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07922746599627072649noreply@blogger.com