Monday, September 17, 2012

GUTGAA Pitch Contest #19: UNCOVERED

YA Paranormal Romance


When Hallie Hartman’s life turns into nothing short of a freak-show, she realizes she took her mind-numbingly ordinary life for granted. She didn’t expect running into Colton Dane would change everything. He’s tall, dark, and swoon-worthy. This should have been awesome but she knows he’s hiding something. His cryptic answers have Hallie yearning to punch him—whenever she’s not thinking about kissing him. So not awesome. When she finally uncovers the truth, she finds he’s not just from out of town.

He’s an alien.

As if that wasn’t enough to have her questioning her sanity, she discovers the rest of his secrets are far more shocking. Colton’s a part of the Megaera, an outcasted rebel faction, who wants Hallie to join them. She doesn’t know why the deranged alien mafia group thinks she can help them—they’re the ones who can manipulate energy. She has to accept the truth being shoved in her face and find a way to trust Colton. There are worse things than being a prisoner or a pawn in some otherworldly game—like being dead.

First 150 Words:

My entire life has consisted of a level of normalcy that makes me want to stab myself in the eye with a pen simply for dramatic effect. The only thing exceptional about me is how fast I can run, but what is that going to do for me? Now, if I could find a way to run straight out of my dull life and into one that’s electrifying, maybe I’d have a use for it.

Wind whipped past me, blowing strands of my long, dark hair backwards as I imagined the recognizable setting fading away. Instead, I pictured vivid ambers and golds swirling together under the glow from the early-evening light. I could almost feel the sun’s rays warming my skin. As if to taunt me, a frigid blast of air blew through the tree branches, causing them to quiver and bend.  Reality smacked me in the face, shattering my perfect mental image.


  1. Hi,
    I love the voice in both your query and the first 150. You have a way with words, painting a beautiful picture and getting us to connect with and like the MC right away. I can't wait to read how the MC's life is going to change once she meets Colton.
    Best of luck

  2. I like your first 150 words and your book sounds interesting. Good luck!

  3. Your query is fantastic, I love her voice. I kept waiting till I'd have to say something about "how is this different than other YA paranormal romance" but then you bammed me right in the face with the last bits. Different! Love it!

    Your first pages are great, but I'm a little concerned about the tense switch. First paragraph is present, second is past. You'll have to decide how important it is the have that first para in present vs switching to past to fit the rest of the book (assuming it's all in past), and throwing an agent or someone off. Ya know?

    Also your first line in the 150 is right up my ally, I love the dark dry humor. But consider cutting the bit "simply for dramatic effect." It's snappier without it, and you don't really NEED to say that anyway. It's implied.

    Otherwise, you've got me! I'm hooked! Good luck!

  4. Lol, your first sentence is hilarious. I think you've got a great query here and an interesting premise. My only question your query is to do with this sentence: "She has to accept the truth being shoved in her face..." I'm not sure which 'truth' you're referring to. The alien part, the part where she can help them, or something else you haven't mentioned.

    Good luck!!

  5. I still love your big reveal: “He’s an alien.” And all the details you’ve added in that last paragraph are fantastic! I think you made the right choice going with paranormal romance. When I read this, my mind immediately went to Roswell, which was a love story at its heart even with all the aliens and conspiracies. Good luck. :)

  6. Personally I wanted to know a little more about Hallie in the query. We don't know much about her. I too loved your big reveal.

  7. PITCH: I really like the confidence that shines through this pitch! We also get some of Hallie’s voice here, and it might be a little tiny bit overdone, but it’s there, and that definitely counts for something.
    FIRST 150: The first paragraph feels a little prologue-y (as in, where’s the story?). Just the same, it’s well-written and again—her voice. Especially in that first sentence. Maybe think about starting somewhere else, and working the best elements of that paragraph into other parts of the first chapter?

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  9. I love this query, except for it sort of falls apart for me at the end. What do the aliens want her to help them with? What truth are they shoving in her face? Why is she a pawn and in what game? You're being too elusive about the conflict. You don't want to give away the ending, but we have to understand the conflict.

    I like the opening first words. There is some tense slippage going on in that first paragraph. Other than that, this is a pretty awesome premise! I LOVE the name Colton. I just hope there isn't any weird alien parts on him. Ha!