YA Paranormal Romance
79,700
Query:
When eighteen year old Muriel Blythe can’t control her gift – more like a curse -- of sensing what others feel and broadcasting her feelings to everyone, her sister tries to kill herself. Overwhelmed with guilt and wanting to protect her adoptive family, Muriel moves to Madrid, Spain.
In Madrid, Muriel stumbles upon a bigger curse. Shadowy creatures want to kill her by absorbing her soul. Creatures of light, called Luxben, appear to help. Not knowing who else to turn to, Muriel accepts to live with them and starts having feelings for their leader, Dalkiel. Even when she sees his light is a dark, glowing shadow.
As things between Muriel and the shadows escalate, she learns that her ability wasn’t a curse after all. She’ll also have to convince Dalkiel that their profound and passionate love is worth everything, even the blend of good and evil.
First 150 Words:
Each time the girl stroked the picture, I struggled to breathe. Despair, desolation, agony- tried to stop my heart. I’d picked the wrong seat again. She’s dressed in black and crying. I’d had known.
Tears fell down my cheeks too. I knew that these weren’t my feelings, that I’d absorbed them from the girl, but I couldn’t stop them.
The pain was so strong, I wanted it to stop. I stood and walked to the broken front door of the bus. It still hadn’t closed. The pavement fled by in front of me. I grabbed the roof handle and dangled, one foot out of the bus. Far away, I heard someone shouting. I inclined my body to jump. Something stopped me; I felt a pull on my arm and tried to focus on who was getting in my way, dragging me apart from relief. Through my tears, I spotted a man.
This is a really great concept. I've read quite a few stories where the MC is sympathetic to the emotions of others, but not one where their feelings are broadcast as well. Creepy! How would you control that? I guess you'd have to live with demons or the undead or something!
ReplyDeleteI am not the queen of grammar, by any means, but be careful of little mistakes like: I’d had known.
Are you saying - I would have known? Or I had had known? See the confusion? If a contraction feels awkward it's always better to spell it out as separate words to make sure you're saying what you mean to say.
GOOD LUCK!
Thnak you very much for your comments and your advice in contractions. I'll take a look at it!
DeletePITCH: I like the concept and love the name “Luxben,” and the format of this pitch is perfect. There are a couple of phrases that are a little awkward, however—“accepts to live with them” is one, and the last sentence there, “Even when she sees…” is a fragment. Also, I’m not sure what is meant by “the blend of good and evil,” and being more specific might make this goal feel more real and important.
ReplyDeleteFIRST 150: This starts off very intense, which I think is a very good way to start, but first I’d like to know more about the character herself, and I think the very fact that her reactions are stemming from the feelings of the other person will make this a tricky balance. Right now we know more about the strange girl in black than we do about the main character. Perhaps some concrete sensory detail worked in, and more of the main character’s own thoughts and reactions, would help. As she’s about to jump off the bus, what’s going through her head? Is she trying to make herself stop?
Thank you so much for your comments. I'm very glad that my pitch is good. I'll work on te sentences you mention.
DeleteAbout my first 150, I made another one. I'll paste it here in case anyone wants to read it:
Each time the girl stroked the picture, I struggled to breathe. Despair, desolation, agony- tried to stop my heart. I’d picked the wrong seat again. She’s dressed in black and crying. I’d had known.
Tears fell down my cheeks too. I knew that these weren’t my feelings, that I’d absorbed them from the girl, but I couldn’t stop them.
I open a little the window, the cool air refreshes my cheeks and I inhale the soft and fresh smell of snow. It doesn’t help; they’re still in me, growing every second.
I took out from my purse the little sock my mother knit for me when I was a baby. It’s my talisman, filled with love and happiness. I squeezed it between my hands.
I couldn’t think, only feel.
The pain was so strong, I wanted it to stop. I stood and walked to the broken front door of the bus. It still hadn’t closed. The pavement fled by in front of me. I grabbed the roof handle and dangled, one foot out of the bus. Far away, I heard someone shouting. I inclined my body to jump. Something stopped me; I felt a pull on my arm and tried to focus on who was getting in my way, dragging me apart from relief. Through my tears, I spotted a man.