Monday, September 17, 2012


YA Sci-Fi


Superpowers and daydreams don’t mix, especially when saving a planet.

Fifteen year old Jimmy Ranfaz is the best at everything he does, all in his daydreams. So, when his psychic superpowers activate, he does great things, terrible...yes...but great. With him endangering every living thing on Earth, destiny crashes his door when the tree-descended humans of Ulfitron herald him as their new saviour against the warring world of Tyzet, who threaten to wipe the Ulfitronians clean off the planet.

Jimmy crashes and burns through his training, earning merit badges in mediocrity and frustration. His dreams of being the all-conquering superhero are shattered when he barely survives a massive assault by Tyzet. Saddled with a powerful Ulfitronian trainee, whose condescension drives Jimmy up a wall; he sets out to find the legendary trees which gave incredible power to his predecessor.

But within the journey lies a deep deception, which not only betrays him as a decoy for his partner but also brings out a chilling truth: he is the villain reincarnated. With the final attack threatening Ulfitron only days away, Jimmy must decide whether to die saving thousands of Ulfitronians who betrayed him or pursue the quest for the legendary trees and the unlimited power he always dreamed of.

First 150 Words:

“Blast it! I’ll be late,” Jimmy swore, looking at his watch. As he turned away from the window, the sleeve of his polo caught. He tugged and it tore.

He directed a death glare towards the window sill, but saw nothing which could’ve snagged it.

I don’t have time for this. Jimmy rushed out of his room and jumped down half the flight of stairs.

“Young man, how many times have I told you not to do that? Start behaving like you’re fifteen.” His mother’s voice barely registered, as he dashed outside.

I can’t be late today. Not today. C’mon, seven minutes, I can do it.

He skipped past the slew of morning joggers dodging left and right while twisting in mid-jumps to avoid the mailboxes and benches.

He accelerated. Blood pumped through his veins and his heart thumped. He overtook Carl Lewis. He thrust forward. Past Owens! Just one to beat.


  1. This sounds like a neat concept. Your query was a bit confusing, to me. I got lost a couple times but you grabbed me back with the opening 150! Just a big of query clarification and tightening with your sentences, and you're there. But this just one opinion!

    Best of luck to you!

  2. Love your title, I'd definitely pick it up off a shelf to take peak at the back cover! Good luck!

  3. This story sounds really good. I had to read the query twice to really understand what it was about, but I do like the concept. I think if you stripped down your second paragraph to the bare minimum just the basic plot) then added a little voice it wouldn't be so confusing. I did love your first 150 though, I wanted to keep reading!

  4. Interesting concept. I agree with the others that the query was a little confusing.

  5. PITCH: The energy in this pitch is just incredible. I was feeling a little tired, but the tone here perked me right up! That said, there is so much going on in the pitch that I found it a little confusing, and had to read it more than once. I think you’ve got a challenge with conveying the unique world in a concise and straightforward way.
    FIRST 150: Just as in the pitch, the energy here really grabs me. The sentences are short and punchy, directly tying in to the character’s rushed mentality. However, I need a little more tension than the main character running late and getting scolded by his mom. Lastly, something about the tone and voice here makes me think middle grade, and I had that thought while reading the pitch as well, that it would make a great MG story. Have you considered writing it as MG instead of YA?