Monday, September 17, 2012


YA light sci-fi romance


Luc's sixth birthday is marked by tragedy when his best friend, Auri, falls through a rip in the fabric of Trillua and disappears into a parallel world--Earth. But Luc soon discovers that the strange bond he always shared with Auri survived. Over the next ten years he watches through his dreams as she grows into a beautiful sixteen-year old girl who doesn't trust anyone.

When the leaders of Trillua open a Portal to travel to Earth, Luc risks banishment from the home he loves to hijack a spot on their mission and rescue Auri. But the fall has wiped Auri's mind of all that came before it. Luc has just one month to convince her she belongs with him before the Portal home closes.

As the clock ticks down, Luc realizes that his proximity to Auri has somehow made him faster, stronger and almost invulnerable to pain or injury. He knows his unheard of powers seem like magic, something punishable by death on his world. Unlike his dreams of Auri, his new abilities are impossible to hide. When the leaders learn the truth, they demand he Portal home to be examined as a potential danger to Trillua. If he fails to immediately return, his family will be banished into the treacherous Outerlands.

Now Luc must choose. Abandon the girl he was born to love, or save the family who's depending on him for their survival. 

First 150 Words:

Outside the window, the glow of the ThriceMoon is being replaced by the glare of the rising sun. Deep in a daydream about Auri, it takes me a few seconds to understand what's happening.  The sun? Cursing, I bolt upright from the hard floor. The low rumble of Sin’s snores fills the room. I scramble to my feet and punch him in his arm. “Sin! Blast it. Sin! Wake up!” I wave my hand, as if I can physically brush away the black emotion-trails floating around me.

On his bed, Sin jerks as his eyes fly open. “I wasn’t with that girl.”

This earns him another punch. “I’m not one of your girls, dolt. We lost track of the hour. Look!” I point out the window that takes up the whole west wall of Sin’s bedroom. Beyond it, the blue stretch of valley is brightening as the sun peeks over the horizon. 


  1. I'm totally intrigued by your story and see lots of potential for adventure and romance. I'd definitely keep reading!

  2. This is really interesting! It reminds me a little bit of a book I loved when I was a teenager, BEING OF TWO MINDS. I want to read it!

  3. This sounds totally awesome. I love how you just kept upping it in the query. Saving her wasn't enough, risking banishment wasn't enough, you just kept going! Love it! Sounds great!

    Good luck!

  4. Totally love this one. Got my fingers crossed it goes through.

  5. EEEPS!! The tension is just dripping off the screen. LOVE this!
    Clearly high-concept, but nothing felt confusing. Well done! Also, love your names!

    Good luck.


  6. I love your concept and I have to agree with BEEZER, there's so much tension! For some reason it reminded me a bit of the THOR universe. But I'm biting my nails just getting to the end of your query!

    Congratulations and good luck!


  7. PITCH: Wow, tough choice for him at the end! Very compelling. And I really like how he has watched her grow up. It seems borderline summary, though, because it goes so far into the story, leaving off at what I’m guessing is the climactic choice.
    FIRST 150: There are some great sci-fi details in here—the ThriceMoon, and those emotion trails I want to hear more about. The danger with science fiction and fantasy openings is introducing too much too soon. I’d recommend leaving Auri out of the opening because at this point, she’s backstory, and it’s better (again, my opinion—these things are so subjective) to get us firmly alongside the protagonist, in his thoughts and setting. If I’m juggling him, along with Auri, and Sin, the ThriceMoon, and some black emotion trails, it might be a little overwhelming. That said, also be careful about waking-up openings. Maybe toy with some alternate beginnings, to see if you can find one that feels fresher?

  8. Your query is great and sets up a strong hook and high stakes. I liked the world building and the voice in your 150 words, but I would STRONGLY urge you to change the opening so the main character is not waking up, which can be an automatic rejection for some agents. But I think you definitely have something here.

    You've got my vote!

  9. Wow. I got a little confused on how this was working. (I entered quite a few contests this month and they started to jumble together in my brain) So I thought the pitches were going up in groups of forty, but once a week on Deana's website, instead of all at once on different websites. I had no idea this was up on this website until I got the email saying I'd made it through to the next round. Thank you SO much to all the judges and everyone who commented!!! I'm so excited!!