Last week I got a "flirt" on an online dating site from a 29-year-young man who wished me happy birthday. He was much too young for me (I'm OLD, yo!), but I thought it was nice. So I responded with a friendly thanks.
His next message was "Not interest ed." (Space included in original.)
I responded: "Lol. Well, duh. You're MUCH too young for me."
To which he replied "You're a typical nuerotic LDS divorcee...." (misspelling included in original).
If your blood is boiling on my behalf, thanks... but let it go. When I charged headlong into the online dating world, I knew full well what I was getting myself into. I didn't suspect that single boys had changed much just because they were single men now. I don't harbor a fantasy that everyone I "meet" will be mature and kind. People are wonderfully weird. They misinterpret simple communications all. The. Time. Especially when they're feeling vulnerable (which is to be expected on an online dating site).
I have had occasion many times in my life to observe first-hand the results when someone chooses to take a perceived slight to heart. To let it fester and grow beyond all proportion. Some people go through life hyper-vigilant for any offense, from a slightly negative word to an inconsiderate driver. My 9-year-old takes great pleasure of late twisting my words to mean something negative (i.e. "That was a stupid decision" becomes "You called me stupid! You think I'm stupid! I can't believe you would say that! I'm going to go hide in your closet until doomsday!") (Yes, this particular child is my mother's worst revenge for my own childhood. How'd you know?)
It's easy to see how juvenile this sort of reaction is. It's harder to see that reacting even to intentional slights is just as, well, stupid. (Yes, I called you stupid. Deal.)
This silly young man doesn't know me. He may have read my perfectly awesome (but limited) profile, but he still doesn't know me. He can't know that I'm about the least neurotic divorcee he'll never meet. Also, he's apparently one of those stupid men who goes around looking for offense. All in all, not worthy of my time or my angst. As soon as I'm done with this diverting blog post, I'm going to forget he ever existed.
For those of you NOT in the dating scene, online or off (lucky suckers), this advice applies to every aspect of your life--but particularly to those where you have to make yourself vulnerable in order to succeed (so, like, all the time). Yanno, like when you're querying a book. Or letting people buy and review your published book.
People are wonderfully weird. They will misinterpret what you've said, written, intended, etc, all. The. Time. They will hate what reasonable people should love. They will strike back at you simply because you make them feel vulnerable. Lesser. They will try to tear you down so they can feel better about themselves. And, no, these stupid people aren't worthy of your time or your angst. You can feel free to ignore their existence, because it's not important.
Like Anton Ego said in Ratatouille, "...the average piece of junk is probably more meaningful than our criticism designating it so." This is true for people, too. Even neurotic LDS divorcees.
So to all the haters, whiners, offense-takers, and their ilk, have at: Do your worst. Those of us who create meaningful junk, who are earnestly engaged in a good cause, and who refuse to waste our time worrying about what others think of us can't help but be more successful than you are. Not that we can remember that you exist.
We don't like to b**** about things that don't matter.
Showing posts with label Query. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Query. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
How Querying has Ruined me for Online Dating
First off, let me qualify--I'm not actually online dating. More dabbling. Browsing. I keep signing up for free memberships and creating profiles, but haven't seen anyone--much less been messaged by anyone--who has tempted me enough to shell out cold hard digital cash for the privilege of communicating with them.
Also, I haven't even been divorced a full two months yet, so I'm not exactly ready to start a new relationship. As a friend made me admit, I'm mostly interested in validation at this point... and my friends can give me that. So they tell me. (Still--why has NO ONE tried to set me up on a blind date? When does that start? *thinks blind dates are mysterious and exciting* *knows the reality will kill that illusion fast*)
Anyway, part of the reason that my desire for validation (of my perfectly valid desirability) hasn't driven me to whip out my credit card is the truly sad state of the profiles on these sites.
By which I don't mean there aren't great guys out there. Or that the guys are sad. Please don't think I'm down on men, 'cause, really, I'm not. (Most days.) I know enough good husbands--and was happy enough in my own marriage, while it lasted--to know that there are lots of good men in the world.
No, I mean these poor, sad, men are useless at selling themselves. (Probably the girls aren't much better, but for some reason, these sites don't show me a lot of female profiles.) :)
Maybe it's the years of query training I've been giving myself, but, seriously, why would anyone put this in a profile and think it's going to help attract your soulmate:
A little about me...
Well that is a tough one due to that I really don't talk about myself much.
Honey, if you're not going to talk about yourself, you need to find some other way to meet girls. Can you imagine if I used that line in a query letter?
Oh, wow, I guess I should tell you about my book now, right? I'm just so bad at talking about my book!
I'm sure that would have the agents just lining up at my door.
Or maybe this:
I am fairly entertaining, but I know when seriousness is required.
Do you wonder what he means by "fairly" entertaining? Me, too. Here's a tip: if you make your profile and/or query entertaining when it's called for, and serious when it's called for, this sentence is unnecessary. If you don't... I won't really believe this sentence, anyway.
That's like saying this in a query:
You will enjoy the subtle humor and edge-of-your-seats suspense of my book.
Show, don't tell, people.
This one drives me bat-crazy:
What I do for fun...
We will have to talk to find out.
Really? I can think of a few reasons for this response: 1) he was too lazy to complete his profile, so he's probably not actually serious about finding someone; 2) he thinks this hint of mystery will entice women to message him, even though it's vastly easier to click through to the next guy who bothered to actually complete his profile; 3) what he likes to do is illegal, kinky, or embarrassing. Either way, it's like me putting this in a query letter:
Agents are going to be lining up for this amazing, future bestselling book! If you want to have a chance to represent it, email me and I'll tell you all about it. If I don't hear from you, I'll assume you're too uptight to be my agent, anyway.
Worst?
My Self-Summary
Well, who would have though we would meet like this. Me posting an online profile, and you here reading it. I guess I better make this good since you will probably only spend a few seconds here. They ...
You see what he did, here? He KNEW he only had a few seconds to attract the woman he'd someday marry, and he wasted it on fluff. Just to be fair, I clicked past the first two lines to the full profile--and the whole first paragraph is fluff! Nothing actually about him! Now, he does seem like a very nice man and has some fun information on his profile, but, guys, really--lead with the good stuff! What is unique about you? What will make me want to get to know you better? Can you encapsulate yourself in a sentence?
Just for fun, this is what it would look like in a query:
I'm so excited to be able to meet you, my future agent. I just know we're going to have so much fun with this book of mine and that you're going to love it and I'm going to love you. I don't want to waste your time, so let me get to telling you about my wonderful book, which has truly been a work of love--blood, sweat, and tears for the last few years of my life.... [which is where the agent stops reading]
First impressions matter. Always. They can be overcome, but it's SOOO much better to just get it right the first time.
I'll stop there, lest I come across as a bitter divorcee. 'Cause it would never do to let THAT cat out of the bag, now would it?
Have you noticed any unforeseen negative effects from your own querying? Ever tried online dating? Blind dating? It's fun, right? And exciting and mysterious? I knew it!
Also, I haven't even been divorced a full two months yet, so I'm not exactly ready to start a new relationship. As a friend made me admit, I'm mostly interested in validation at this point... and my friends can give me that. So they tell me. (Still--why has NO ONE tried to set me up on a blind date? When does that start? *thinks blind dates are mysterious and exciting* *knows the reality will kill that illusion fast*)
Anyway, part of the reason that my desire for validation (of my perfectly valid desirability) hasn't driven me to whip out my credit card is the truly sad state of the profiles on these sites.
 |
| None of the examples below were taken from the profiles of these handsome men. In case you were wondering. |
No, I mean these poor, sad, men are useless at selling themselves. (Probably the girls aren't much better, but for some reason, these sites don't show me a lot of female profiles.) :)
Maybe it's the years of query training I've been giving myself, but, seriously, why would anyone put this in a profile and think it's going to help attract your soulmate:
A little about me...
Well that is a tough one due to that I really don't talk about myself much.
Honey, if you're not going to talk about yourself, you need to find some other way to meet girls. Can you imagine if I used that line in a query letter?
Oh, wow, I guess I should tell you about my book now, right? I'm just so bad at talking about my book!
I'm sure that would have the agents just lining up at my door.
Or maybe this:
I am fairly entertaining, but I know when seriousness is required.
Do you wonder what he means by "fairly" entertaining? Me, too. Here's a tip: if you make your profile and/or query entertaining when it's called for, and serious when it's called for, this sentence is unnecessary. If you don't... I won't really believe this sentence, anyway.
That's like saying this in a query:
You will enjoy the subtle humor and edge-of-your-seats suspense of my book.
Show, don't tell, people.
This one drives me bat-crazy:
What I do for fun...
We will have to talk to find out.
Really? I can think of a few reasons for this response: 1) he was too lazy to complete his profile, so he's probably not actually serious about finding someone; 2) he thinks this hint of mystery will entice women to message him, even though it's vastly easier to click through to the next guy who bothered to actually complete his profile; 3) what he likes to do is illegal, kinky, or embarrassing. Either way, it's like me putting this in a query letter:
Agents are going to be lining up for this amazing, future bestselling book! If you want to have a chance to represent it, email me and I'll tell you all about it. If I don't hear from you, I'll assume you're too uptight to be my agent, anyway.
Worst?
My Self-Summary
Well, who would have though we would meet like this. Me posting an online profile, and you here reading it. I guess I better make this good since you will probably only spend a few seconds here. They ...
You see what he did, here? He KNEW he only had a few seconds to attract the woman he'd someday marry, and he wasted it on fluff. Just to be fair, I clicked past the first two lines to the full profile--and the whole first paragraph is fluff! Nothing actually about him! Now, he does seem like a very nice man and has some fun information on his profile, but, guys, really--lead with the good stuff! What is unique about you? What will make me want to get to know you better? Can you encapsulate yourself in a sentence?
Just for fun, this is what it would look like in a query:
I'm so excited to be able to meet you, my future agent. I just know we're going to have so much fun with this book of mine and that you're going to love it and I'm going to love you. I don't want to waste your time, so let me get to telling you about my wonderful book, which has truly been a work of love--blood, sweat, and tears for the last few years of my life.... [which is where the agent stops reading]
First impressions matter. Always. They can be overcome, but it's SOOO much better to just get it right the first time.
I'll stop there, lest I come across as a bitter divorcee. 'Cause it would never do to let THAT cat out of the bag, now would it?
Have you noticed any unforeseen negative effects from your own querying? Ever tried online dating? Blind dating? It's fun, right? And exciting and mysterious? I knew it!
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
HNTWAQ: Practice 7
Before we do another round of How NOT to Write a Query: Practice, I want to remind everyone about the Vlog-Pitch contest coming up October 15th. Which means you have less than a week to outline (not write-and-memorize) a great, casual pitch, practice it, film it, edit it, watch it, scrap it, do it over (times infinity), post it on YouTube, and slap it on your blog.
There will be 30 finalists and, if the writer's blog-o-sphere stays as chicken as they have been since they posted the linky list on September 21, almost all of the entries will be in the finals.
So come make a fool of yourself with me, huh?
And here's the next installment of:
This query comes courtesy of Kristen Strassel (@KristenStrassel) who shares my pain in that every time she revises her query, it seems someone else gets confused by it. (That's my interpretation of what she said, which was that people seemed to be misunderstanding her plot and getting confused.) I think she has a great concept (vampires + rock and roll = coooool), but there's room for improvement in how she describes it.
First off, Kristen classified her story as a "New Adult Paranormal Urban Fantasy" for GUTGAA, which I think is a mistake, since it's possibly both redundant and misleading. "Paranormal" means fantasy elements will be present, and I think that common wisdom is that "Paranormal" is synonymous with "Paranormal Romance" which suggests the love story will be at the fore, while "Urban Fantasy" suggests any love story will be secondary. **Is NOT an expert on genre** So I suggest going with PNR or UF, without trying to blend the two. Which one will depend on how important the love story is to the plot.
So let's start with her current query. Since she first asked to be part of this blog series, Kristin has read my archives and revised her query twice. Each one is better and better, but I still think certain elements could be clearer. Keep in mind, though, that Kristin told me that this very version of her query has already earned her a full request--so what I think is "wrong" isn't necessarily a fatal flaw. The only job of a query is to get the agent to want to read more, so this query is already working for her:
As always, the 5 questions:
1: Who is the protagonist? Honestly, if Kristen hadn't told me in an email that Callie was the protag, I wouldn't be able to tell. We don't even hear about Callie until after we've heard about Tristan and Blade. So judging strictly on the information in the query, it looks like Tristan, Blade, and Callie will share the spotlight equally.
Tristan is a recently-turned immortal-vampire rock-star who attracts his fans through a supernatural something-or-other called Bloodlust while struggling with his "mortal addictions" which, apparently, can still be added to (since Callie "becomes one of them"). It's unclear what Bloodlust is--is it the attraction of a human (prey) to the vampire (predator)? Are humans drawn to all vamps or just rock-star vamps? Is it something that can be turned off? Is it voluntary? Does it effect the vamps at all? The first paragraph seems to suggest that Bloodlust works remotely--since fans come "from around the globe" thanks to Bloodlust. Are all vampires also rock-stars or are these vamps just capitalizing on the lucky coincidence of Bloodlust to drive their real passion for music (and debauchery)? The last paragraph suggests that there's a "true meaning" of Bloodlust that hasn't been explained. Since Bloodlust is so central to Tristan's character, I think it should be explained.
Blade is a human who considered becoming a vamp rock-star, but decided not to. He's not from Vegas, but I don't know what his background is or even how old he is. He thinks he's chosen a "normal" life but is still caught up in the vamp rock-star scene in some undefined way--is he a groupie? A sound tech? A magician with an ax (meaning guitar--oh, yeah, see me pretend to know the lingo)? What does he do in his free time? Does he have a real job? Is he tied in some mystical way to the vampires or is he just too caught up in the glitz to make a clean break? It's suggested that he's a better person than Tristan, but I can't tell in what way he's better. Is he nicer? Able to abstain from harmful substances? Less full-of-himself? You don't have to list every way he's better, but giving a concrete example will go a long way to defining both boys... er, guys.
Callie is a sheltered girl from Martha's Vineyard who fell in love with Tristan 4 years ago when he was still mortal. It's not clear how old they both were then or are now, by the way, though if she's just now enrolling in college I can guess she's a freshman, meaning 18 or 19 years old, meaning she was 14 or 15 when she fell in love with Tristan, who was already engaging in "excesses" when he walked away from her. That he was able to walk away suggests he was at least 18 then, so 5 or 6 years older than Callie. Be that as it may, Callie heads off to Vegas to reconnect with Tristan--which seems like a euphemistic way of saying she chased after him like a groupie stalker. I think this impression could be tempered a bit if she can show a bit of reluctance? Some ongoing connection between the two? WHY is this young privileged girl chasing a world-famous rock star she hasn't seen in 4 years? All we really know about him is that he's a rebel who has taken his excesses to the point of becoming a vampire-rock-star-wild-child. What did she love about him? What was it about their connection that would make her stoop to this level, abandon every vestige of class she's been bred to, and throw herself at a loose-living celebrity who probably won't recognize her from her adolescent years? I'm really not seeing much to like about Callie, frankly--I can't even get a sense of her personality other than the stereotype of spoiled-rebel-rich-girl. I know there's more to her: what makes her do such crazy things? Does she like rock-and-roll or is it just Tristan? If she's willing to change everything about herself for a guy . . . I'm not ever going to respect her.
2: What does the protagonist want? Tristan, as far as I can tell, wants to live a life of fame and debauchery and would enjoy pulling Callie down with him. I'm pretty sure this isn't a good life goal, and it makes him seem very flat as a character. Does he have anything else he'll be working toward? Is he willing to change for Callie? Does he at all recognize how unhealthy this life is or does he just not care?
Blade also wants excitement and to live in the vampire rock scene without becoming part of the vampire rock scene (that distinction could be more clear, methinks). He also wants Callie. That's about all I can tell. What does he want to be when he grows up? Is he working for something in the book that is separate from the vamp-rock scene? Is he at least working to solidify his permanent-though-mortal position in the vamp-rock scene? Is he just in the book to be the other point in the love triangle?
Callie wants Tristan. No, Blade. No, Tristan. She seems to have some sense of what she wants in a man, since she is able to see that Blade has what Tristan doesn't, but she proves twice in the space of one query--once when she moves to Vegas and once when she flees to Tristan's arms--that she is willing to ditch all her principles to be with Tristan. So WHAT DOES SHE WANT? What sort of life does she want to live? Does she dream of taming Tristan, slapping him into a 3-piece suit, and hauling him back to Martha's Vineyard to live next door to mom and dad while they raise their 2.3 kids? Does she switch her attentions to Blade because he fits that ideal better? (Well, the name Blade will NEVER fit on Martha's Vineyard, but still.) Does she have musical aspirations of her own or does she dream of being a groupie for the rest of her life, perhaps while raising a passel of babies in the back of a tour bus? What is she majoring in? Does she HAVE a major, or is college just a ruse to get her to Vegas? What kinds of grades is she pulling down while she chases vampires all night?
Because the protagonist--let's assume it's really Callie--should drive the plot with the thing s/he wants, that thing must be clear. Ditto the next question:
3: What stands in his/her way? Here, I'm at sea. Tristan seems to get everything he wants through Bloodlust or Callie's inexplicable attraction to him, so nothing seems to stand in his way. Blade, likewise, doesn't seem to be languishing, gets to make his own decisions, and is the one to call off the relationship with Callie. Callie... well, since I can't figure out what she wants, I can't really see what stands in her way. Who or what is the antagonist? Is it the Bloodlust? Is it just Callie vs. Callie, trying to decide which boy she likes best? Is Callie at all bothered by the debauchery or does she want to be a full participant? What, exactly, does it mean to learn "the true meaning of Bloodlust?" Will it turn her into a mindless slave to Tristan's will? How will that stand in the way of what she wants if what she wants is Tristan, even at the sacrifice of everything else in her life?
This element is the conflict, which is the basis of the story. Without a conflict, we don't have a plot. So make the antagonist stand out more.
4: What will happen if s/he fails? If Tristan doesn't get Callie, I assume he'll suffer a bit, then drown his sorrows in booze, drugs, and flesh before moving blithely on with his life. If Blade doesn't win her heart, maybe he'll wake up and finally leave the scene for good, which is sort of what he wants anyway, right? Callie seems to have a choice between the two guys, but if she gets neither of them, she'll probably have a better life.
I'm going to go out on a limb here, and assume that the Bloodlust is important to the plot. That it's an actual antagonist. If that were so, Callie might be fighting to save her sanity or sense of self or free will. Maybe she realizes that the vamp rock stars are dangerous to the world at large and are hypnotizing their "fans" to ensure a ready supply of donors. Maybe she comes to realize that she needs to expose this Bloodlust thing and help save the world from it. Or maybe that's not the conflict and it's really just choosing between the rock star and the groupie to spend the rest of her life with. Either way, her choice and the consequences must be clear.
5: What will s/he have to DO to succeed? All Callie really does in the query is steel herself for the shock of entering the rock-vamp world, flee back to Tristan, and realize she has changed and needs a new permanent home. The boys don't seem to be doing anything specific toward meeting any specific agenda.
This element helps agents understand what sort of story you are presenting them. Will it be an introspective novel with a lot of hand-holding during deep, soul-searching conversations? Will there be danger? Fighting? What's with this murder? Will Callie have to be on her guard to stay alive and sane? Will Tristan and/or Blade have to save her from something? From each other?
Be careful NOT to try to relate the whole plot, but give the first step of the road. What are they (or, probably, what is Callie) willing to do to win? What will be required? What kind of a ride are you going to take readers on?
One more thing before we go back to the query: this sucker is LOOONG. 321 words in just the blurb. If I'm not mistaken, Query Shark says that 250 is good--for the whole thing, with comp paragraphs, intro, the works. So I'm going to advise cutting everything that isn't related to Callie and the choices she has to make. If Tristan or Blade is mentioned, talk about them from Callie's perspective. What she thinks of them. What she wants from them. It's not enough to talk about the protagonist MORE than you talk about secondary characters--almost every word of the query has to be about the protagonist, with other elements coming in only to explain what the protagonist is up against.
So let's see if I can help cut the fat:
This isn't an awful way to start the query, but, again, it must relate immediately to Callie. So try something like this: "Immortal Dilemma is the hottest band in the Las Vegas vampire rock scene--and there are so many reasons why college freshman Callie shouldn't become a groupie. But the lead singer, Tristan Trevosier, broke her heart four years before and she can't stop herself from trying once more to win him back." The rest of this paragraph is sort of implied by the phrase "vampire rock scene." You can weave Bloodlust in later, as Callie realizes what it is.
Also, she defies her family, enrolls in Las Vegas State, and plans to reconnect with Tristan in the vamp rock scene--so what part of that creates an "unexpected situation?" Surely she knows he's a rock star. Is it the vamp thing she was unaware of? Just how many people know about vampires in this world? Are the fans caught up in Bloodlust not knowing that the rock stars are vamps? Why doesn't that bother Callie? If it does bother her, what is she going to do about it?
The second sentence suggests that the real conflict is that she doesn't have a home and must find one quickly. If she's in college, why is this a major problem? College students, practically by definition, are transitory. They mostly live in temporary student housing, away from the families they grew up with, and will leave as soon as they graduate. Real life starts after college, and is normally quite different from either pre-college or college days. Why is Callie so concerned about establishing a permanent place in Las Vegas right now? The world is her oyster at that age--why is she limiting herself?
Finally, it looks like you've gone waaay beyond the inciting incident, here. Queries aren't a chance to lay out your plot--just the start of your story. You only need to hook the agent and make them wonder what will happen. Don't go too far into the plot--just until she meets the main obstacle and maybe a step or two beyond that. Lay out what's at stake. Depending on the query, what's at stake might be revealed later in the story--use your judgment on how much to reveal, but you MUST have clear this-awful-thing-could-happen-if-she-fails stakes.
To sum up:
1. Focus on Callie, NOT Tristan or Blade.
2. Lay out what Callie wants (if she could lay out her life exactly the way she dreams, what would that look like?), what stands in her way, what will happen if she fails, and what she's willing to do to succeed.
3. If Bloodlust will be an obstacle to Callie's goals, lay out what it is and what she plans to do about it--or at least hint at what havoc her foolish naivete will wreck on her life.
4. Cut everything that doesn't relate to the main plot. No subplots, here, except perhaps in passing.
Kristen--In closing, please remember that queries are a grueling work-in-progress for almost everyone. Heaven knows I'm still struggling myself. I don't know how to write it right, but hopefully this will help you figure out the best way to present the awesomeness of your book so it can get the recognition it deserves.
Good luck and let me know if you want me to take another look--or if you get an agent!
Okay, everyone else: what do you think? Remembering that the query I crossed almost completely out has already earned a full request, what do you think this query did RIGHT? (Again, I'm not so good at pointing out what someone did right--I'm certainly not qualified for that.) Do you disagree with any of my advice?
10/24 UPDATE: This query--the one I tore limb-from-limb, above--garnered Kristen an agent. Before she rewrote it based on my, um, advice. She announced it today on Twitter. So see? All you need is a query that helps the right agent for you to see the genius of your book. As always, please feel free to disregard any of my advice. #NotAnAgent :D
There will be 30 finalists and, if the writer's blog-o-sphere stays as chicken as they have been since they posted the linky list on September 21, almost all of the entries will be in the finals.
So come make a fool of yourself with me, huh?
And here's the next installment of:
This query comes courtesy of Kristen Strassel (@KristenStrassel) who shares my pain in that every time she revises her query, it seems someone else gets confused by it. (That's my interpretation of what she said, which was that people seemed to be misunderstanding her plot and getting confused.) I think she has a great concept (vampires + rock and roll = coooool), but there's room for improvement in how she describes it.
First off, Kristen classified her story as a "New Adult Paranormal Urban Fantasy" for GUTGAA, which I think is a mistake, since it's possibly both redundant and misleading. "Paranormal" means fantasy elements will be present, and I think that common wisdom is that "Paranormal" is synonymous with "Paranormal Romance" which suggests the love story will be at the fore, while "Urban Fantasy" suggests any love story will be secondary. **Is NOT an expert on genre** So I suggest going with PNR or UF, without trying to blend the two. Which one will depend on how important the love story is to the plot.
So let's start with her current query. Since she first asked to be part of this blog series, Kristin has read my archives and revised her query twice. Each one is better and better, but I still think certain elements could be clearer. Keep in mind, though, that Kristin told me that this very version of her query has already earned her a full request--so what I think is "wrong" isn't necessarily a fatal flaw. The only job of a query is to get the agent to want to read more, so this query is already working for her:
Immortal Dilemma is the hottest band in the Las Vegas vampire rock scene. These vampires draw insatiable fans from around the globe thanks to a supernatural attraction called Bloodlust. Tristan Trevosier craved such an opportunity to fill his empty mortal life, and now he has eternity to earn his place along the legends of rock n roll debauchery.
Blade Bennett came to Las Vegas looking for excitement and he found it with Immortal Dilemma. After having a taste of what the vampire scene had to offer, he turned down it down and chose a normal, mortal life. But Blade can’t get away from the scene or Immortal Dilemma.
Callie Chabot-Wilkes could never forget her first love, Tristan. He walked away from her four years ago. She defies her overprotective family and enrolls in Las Vegas State to reconnect with him. She is determined to make the best of this unexpected situation and braces herself to weave her way through a world she had no idea existed. Callie always knew that Tristan’s excesses would get him into trouble, but she never thought they’d lead him to immortality. Tristan still struggles with his mortal addictions, and once he sees Callie again, she becomes one of them.
Blade is everything that Callie wishes Tristan could still be. Callie tries to conceal her attraction and her desire to protect Tristan from Blade, but the paparazzi and ever-present Immortal Dilemma fans make their relationship impossible to hide.
After an attempted murder investigation sends shockwaves back to Callie’s family, she realizes she is no longer the sheltered girl who left Martha’s Vineyard. She must now find her place in Las Vegas before she has no home at all. She hopes it can be with Blade but Tristan refuses to be forgotten.
Callie’s attachment to Tristan finally pushes Blade over the edge. Her pain sends her to Tristan’s waiting arms where she learns the true meaning of Bloodlust.
As always, the 5 questions:
1: Who is the protagonist? Honestly, if Kristen hadn't told me in an email that Callie was the protag, I wouldn't be able to tell. We don't even hear about Callie until after we've heard about Tristan and Blade. So judging strictly on the information in the query, it looks like Tristan, Blade, and Callie will share the spotlight equally.
Tristan is a recently-turned immortal-vampire rock-star who attracts his fans through a supernatural something-or-other called Bloodlust while struggling with his "mortal addictions" which, apparently, can still be added to (since Callie "becomes one of them"). It's unclear what Bloodlust is--is it the attraction of a human (prey) to the vampire (predator)? Are humans drawn to all vamps or just rock-star vamps? Is it something that can be turned off? Is it voluntary? Does it effect the vamps at all? The first paragraph seems to suggest that Bloodlust works remotely--since fans come "from around the globe" thanks to Bloodlust. Are all vampires also rock-stars or are these vamps just capitalizing on the lucky coincidence of Bloodlust to drive their real passion for music (and debauchery)? The last paragraph suggests that there's a "true meaning" of Bloodlust that hasn't been explained. Since Bloodlust is so central to Tristan's character, I think it should be explained.
Blade is a human who considered becoming a vamp rock-star, but decided not to. He's not from Vegas, but I don't know what his background is or even how old he is. He thinks he's chosen a "normal" life but is still caught up in the vamp rock-star scene in some undefined way--is he a groupie? A sound tech? A magician with an ax (meaning guitar--oh, yeah, see me pretend to know the lingo)? What does he do in his free time? Does he have a real job? Is he tied in some mystical way to the vampires or is he just too caught up in the glitz to make a clean break? It's suggested that he's a better person than Tristan, but I can't tell in what way he's better. Is he nicer? Able to abstain from harmful substances? Less full-of-himself? You don't have to list every way he's better, but giving a concrete example will go a long way to defining both boys... er, guys.
Callie is a sheltered girl from Martha's Vineyard who fell in love with Tristan 4 years ago when he was still mortal. It's not clear how old they both were then or are now, by the way, though if she's just now enrolling in college I can guess she's a freshman, meaning 18 or 19 years old, meaning she was 14 or 15 when she fell in love with Tristan, who was already engaging in "excesses" when he walked away from her. That he was able to walk away suggests he was at least 18 then, so 5 or 6 years older than Callie. Be that as it may, Callie heads off to Vegas to reconnect with Tristan--which seems like a euphemistic way of saying she chased after him like a groupie stalker. I think this impression could be tempered a bit if she can show a bit of reluctance? Some ongoing connection between the two? WHY is this young privileged girl chasing a world-famous rock star she hasn't seen in 4 years? All we really know about him is that he's a rebel who has taken his excesses to the point of becoming a vampire-rock-star-wild-child. What did she love about him? What was it about their connection that would make her stoop to this level, abandon every vestige of class she's been bred to, and throw herself at a loose-living celebrity who probably won't recognize her from her adolescent years? I'm really not seeing much to like about Callie, frankly--I can't even get a sense of her personality other than the stereotype of spoiled-rebel-rich-girl. I know there's more to her: what makes her do such crazy things? Does she like rock-and-roll or is it just Tristan? If she's willing to change everything about herself for a guy . . . I'm not ever going to respect her.
2: What does the protagonist want? Tristan, as far as I can tell, wants to live a life of fame and debauchery and would enjoy pulling Callie down with him. I'm pretty sure this isn't a good life goal, and it makes him seem very flat as a character. Does he have anything else he'll be working toward? Is he willing to change for Callie? Does he at all recognize how unhealthy this life is or does he just not care?
Blade also wants excitement and to live in the vampire rock scene without becoming part of the vampire rock scene (that distinction could be more clear, methinks). He also wants Callie. That's about all I can tell. What does he want to be when he grows up? Is he working for something in the book that is separate from the vamp-rock scene? Is he at least working to solidify his permanent-though-mortal position in the vamp-rock scene? Is he just in the book to be the other point in the love triangle?
Callie wants Tristan. No, Blade. No, Tristan. She seems to have some sense of what she wants in a man, since she is able to see that Blade has what Tristan doesn't, but she proves twice in the space of one query--once when she moves to Vegas and once when she flees to Tristan's arms--that she is willing to ditch all her principles to be with Tristan. So WHAT DOES SHE WANT? What sort of life does she want to live? Does she dream of taming Tristan, slapping him into a 3-piece suit, and hauling him back to Martha's Vineyard to live next door to mom and dad while they raise their 2.3 kids? Does she switch her attentions to Blade because he fits that ideal better? (Well, the name Blade will NEVER fit on Martha's Vineyard, but still.) Does she have musical aspirations of her own or does she dream of being a groupie for the rest of her life, perhaps while raising a passel of babies in the back of a tour bus? What is she majoring in? Does she HAVE a major, or is college just a ruse to get her to Vegas? What kinds of grades is she pulling down while she chases vampires all night?
Because the protagonist--let's assume it's really Callie--should drive the plot with the thing s/he wants, that thing must be clear. Ditto the next question:
3: What stands in his/her way? Here, I'm at sea. Tristan seems to get everything he wants through Bloodlust or Callie's inexplicable attraction to him, so nothing seems to stand in his way. Blade, likewise, doesn't seem to be languishing, gets to make his own decisions, and is the one to call off the relationship with Callie. Callie... well, since I can't figure out what she wants, I can't really see what stands in her way. Who or what is the antagonist? Is it the Bloodlust? Is it just Callie vs. Callie, trying to decide which boy she likes best? Is Callie at all bothered by the debauchery or does she want to be a full participant? What, exactly, does it mean to learn "the true meaning of Bloodlust?" Will it turn her into a mindless slave to Tristan's will? How will that stand in the way of what she wants if what she wants is Tristan, even at the sacrifice of everything else in her life?
This element is the conflict, which is the basis of the story. Without a conflict, we don't have a plot. So make the antagonist stand out more.
4: What will happen if s/he fails? If Tristan doesn't get Callie, I assume he'll suffer a bit, then drown his sorrows in booze, drugs, and flesh before moving blithely on with his life. If Blade doesn't win her heart, maybe he'll wake up and finally leave the scene for good, which is sort of what he wants anyway, right? Callie seems to have a choice between the two guys, but if she gets neither of them, she'll probably have a better life.
I'm going to go out on a limb here, and assume that the Bloodlust is important to the plot. That it's an actual antagonist. If that were so, Callie might be fighting to save her sanity or sense of self or free will. Maybe she realizes that the vamp rock stars are dangerous to the world at large and are hypnotizing their "fans" to ensure a ready supply of donors. Maybe she comes to realize that she needs to expose this Bloodlust thing and help save the world from it. Or maybe that's not the conflict and it's really just choosing between the rock star and the groupie to spend the rest of her life with. Either way, her choice and the consequences must be clear.
5: What will s/he have to DO to succeed? All Callie really does in the query is steel herself for the shock of entering the rock-vamp world, flee back to Tristan, and realize she has changed and needs a new permanent home. The boys don't seem to be doing anything specific toward meeting any specific agenda.
This element helps agents understand what sort of story you are presenting them. Will it be an introspective novel with a lot of hand-holding during deep, soul-searching conversations? Will there be danger? Fighting? What's with this murder? Will Callie have to be on her guard to stay alive and sane? Will Tristan and/or Blade have to save her from something? From each other?
Be careful NOT to try to relate the whole plot, but give the first step of the road. What are they (or, probably, what is Callie) willing to do to win? What will be required? What kind of a ride are you going to take readers on?
One more thing before we go back to the query: this sucker is LOOONG. 321 words in just the blurb. If I'm not mistaken, Query Shark says that 250 is good--for the whole thing, with comp paragraphs, intro, the works. So I'm going to advise cutting everything that isn't related to Callie and the choices she has to make. If Tristan or Blade is mentioned, talk about them from Callie's perspective. What she thinks of them. What she wants from them. It's not enough to talk about the protagonist MORE than you talk about secondary characters--almost every word of the query has to be about the protagonist, with other elements coming in only to explain what the protagonist is up against.
So let's see if I can help cut the fat:
Immortal Dilemma is the hottest band in the Las Vegas vampire rock scene.These vampires draw insatiable fans from around the globe thanks to a supernatural attraction called Bloodlust. Tristan Trevosier craved such an opportunity to fill his empty mortal life, and now he has eternity to earn his place along the legends of rock n roll debauchery.
This isn't an awful way to start the query, but, again, it must relate immediately to Callie. So try something like this: "Immortal Dilemma is the hottest band in the Las Vegas vampire rock scene--and there are so many reasons why college freshman Callie shouldn't become a groupie. But the lead singer, Tristan Trevosier, broke her heart four years before and she can't stop herself from trying once more to win him back." The rest of this paragraph is sort of implied by the phrase "vampire rock scene." You can weave Bloodlust in later, as Callie realizes what it is.
Don't waste time trying to explain Blade. As far as Callie seems to be concerned, he's the soft place to fall when she can't/shouldn't have Tristan. Your book should explore his personality, but you don't have to detail it in the query. Go ahead and mention him as the tempting-tech-guy (or whatever he is) but keep the details specific to what tempts Callie away from Tristan.Blade Bennett came to Las Vegas looking for excitement and he found it with Immortal Dilemma. After having a taste of what the vampire scene had to offer, he turned down it down and chose a normal, mortal life. But Blade can’t get away from the scene or Immortal Dilemma.
Most of this can be shortened, like how I slipped the heart-breaking into the first paragraph. This is a great place to introduce the conflict. Stick with Callie's POV--what she sees, wants, knows, observes. How does she feel when she realizes that Tristan has gone vamp? Don't talk about the fam back on Martha's Vineyard unless it's part of the conflict--does she struggle with lowering herself to Tristan's level? Does her family constantly badger her to make different choices? She's an adult now, so she gets to make her own decisions. It's time to rise above her roots.Callie Chabot-Wilkes could never forget her first love, Tristan. He walked away from her four years ago. She defies her overprotective family and enrolls in Las Vegas State to reconnect with him. She is determined to make the best of this unexpected situation and braces herself to weave her way through a world she had no idea existed. Callie always knew that Tristan’s excesses would get him into trouble, but she never thought they’d lead him to immortality. Tristan still struggles with his mortal addictions, and once he sees Callie again, she becomes one of them.
Also, she defies her family, enrolls in Las Vegas State, and plans to reconnect with Tristan in the vamp rock scene--so what part of that creates an "unexpected situation?" Surely she knows he's a rock star. Is it the vamp thing she was unaware of? Just how many people know about vampires in this world? Are the fans caught up in Bloodlust not knowing that the rock stars are vamps? Why doesn't that bother Callie? If it does bother her, what is she going to do about it?
How is the paparazzi part of the conflict? Is she cheating on Blade with Tristan? What made her date Blade in the first place if she came here specifically for Tristan? Give some specifics about what Blade has that Tristan doesn't.Blade is everything that Callie wishes Tristan could still be. Callie tries to conceal her attraction and her desire to protect Tristan from Blade, but the paparazzi and ever-present Immortal Dilemma fans make their relationship impossible to hide.
This paragraph threw me, possibly because I don't know how the attempted murder investigation fits into the main story. Possibly because I'm not sure what the main story IS. Who was almost killed? Was it Callie, Tristan or Blade? Someone Callie knows? How did it ripple back home and why does that affect her present circumstances? Honestly, this attempted murder is the closest thing to conflict mentioned in the query, but you use it as a footnote--is the murder related to something Callie wants? To the main plot? If not, leave it out. Is it the inciting incident? When does this happen in the book? If it's after page 30 (or so), leave it out.After an attempted murder investigation sends shockwaves back to Callie’s family, she realizes she is no longer the sheltered girl who left Martha’s Vineyard. She must now find her place in Las Vegas before she has no home at all. She hopes it can be with Blade but Tristan refuses to be forgotten.
The second sentence suggests that the real conflict is that she doesn't have a home and must find one quickly. If she's in college, why is this a major problem? College students, practically by definition, are transitory. They mostly live in temporary student housing, away from the families they grew up with, and will leave as soon as they graduate. Real life starts after college, and is normally quite different from either pre-college or college days. Why is Callie so concerned about establishing a permanent place in Las Vegas right now? The world is her oyster at that age--why is she limiting herself?
This tells me that Callie chose Tristan, Blade didn't like that and dumped her, and she got hurt... because she couldn't have them both? Focus instead on answering the last two questions: What happens if she fails and what will she have to do to succeed? If Bloodlust factors into that, give a clear explanation on what Callie knows about it and whether she's okay with it. Frankly, if she's okay with Bloodlust, it's probably not the conflict and might not need to be in the query at all.Callie’s attachment to Tristan finally pushes Blade over the edge. Her pain sends her to Tristan’s waiting arms where she learns the true meaning of Bloodlust.
Finally, it looks like you've gone waaay beyond the inciting incident, here. Queries aren't a chance to lay out your plot--just the start of your story. You only need to hook the agent and make them wonder what will happen. Don't go too far into the plot--just until she meets the main obstacle and maybe a step or two beyond that. Lay out what's at stake. Depending on the query, what's at stake might be revealed later in the story--use your judgment on how much to reveal, but you MUST have clear this-awful-thing-could-happen-if-she-fails stakes.
To sum up:
1. Focus on Callie, NOT Tristan or Blade.
2. Lay out what Callie wants (if she could lay out her life exactly the way she dreams, what would that look like?), what stands in her way, what will happen if she fails, and what she's willing to do to succeed.
3. If Bloodlust will be an obstacle to Callie's goals, lay out what it is and what she plans to do about it--or at least hint at what havoc her foolish naivete will wreck on her life.
4. Cut everything that doesn't relate to the main plot. No subplots, here, except perhaps in passing.
Kristen--In closing, please remember that queries are a grueling work-in-progress for almost everyone. Heaven knows I'm still struggling myself. I don't know how to write it right, but hopefully this will help you figure out the best way to present the awesomeness of your book so it can get the recognition it deserves.
Good luck and let me know if you want me to take another look--or if you get an agent!
Okay, everyone else: what do you think? Remembering that the query I crossed almost completely out has already earned a full request, what do you think this query did RIGHT? (Again, I'm not so good at pointing out what someone did right--I'm certainly not qualified for that.) Do you disagree with any of my advice?
10/24 UPDATE: This query--the one I tore limb-from-limb, above--garnered Kristen an agent. Before she rewrote it based on my, um, advice. She announced it today on Twitter. So see? All you need is a query that helps the right agent for you to see the genius of your book. As always, please feel free to disregard any of my advice. #NotAnAgent :D
Friday, October 5, 2012
How TO Write a Query: A Practice #2 Success Story
On June 28, 2012, I critiqued Robin Hall's awesome query for LOVESENSE. From the first draft I could already tell the story would rock, but after the rewrite I helped with and who-knows-how-many rewrites she did on her own, her query became Finalist #11 in the Cupid's Literary Connection Come And Get It (CAGI) contest.
Today, she announced that, as a result of that contest, she has signed with Julia A. Weber of Literaturagentur GmbH (@jawlitagent). Today is the 99th day after I critiqued her query the first time. (*Individual results will vary*) Even though all the work in creating the actual successful query was hers, I still feel proud. :)
Well, of course I asked for her permission to share the awesomeness of a query that actually works, and she was gracious enough to allow it. :) So I now present my very first:
Read it and weep:
Title: LOVESENSE
Genre: YA Magical Realism
Word Count: 59,000
Query:
Seventeen-year-old Rae has spent her whole life with the ability to smell when a relationship will sour just by looking a photograph of the couple (rotting fish, anyone?). She calls it her “lovesense” and uses it to anonymously run a love guru business at school. But after seventeen years of smelling way more stinky socks than roses, Rae is ready to give up on love altogether.
Until, that is, she finds a fifteen-year-old picture in her attic that smells of apricots and honey. Even better? She's in the photo. Rae seeks the identity of her mysterious playmate with a dedication she usually reserves for her 100-meter hurdles, but as the semester progresses, all she’s finding is trouble. She’s falling for her goofy teammate, Sam—even though he’s already been crossed off her list of possibilities, and, with just weeks until the city-county track championships, her love-guru business is exposed. She is forced to convince all her friends (and the administration) that she isn't a psycho gypsy freak—or, worse, that she hasn't been taking advantage of them for years.
Suspended from school, banned from the track championships, and alienated from her classmates, Rae has one last opportunity to set things right before her chance at finding the boy in the photo rots like stink on cheese.
Congrats, Robin!
(Yes, that's fun to say.)
So can you help me point out what Robin did right? I'm really not good at that sort of thing. :D
Thursday, October 4, 2012
HNTWAQ: Practice 6
On Monday, I asked for volunteers on Twitter for Tuesday’s How NOT to Write a Query post. I got lots. LOTS. And since I can quite literally feel everyone’s query pain, it’s dang hard to say no. So I’ll be doing a lot of HNTWAQ posts over the next few weeks—but since I still have to write and work and spend time with my family, I’m probably not going to do more than two per week. These suckers take me 2-3 hours each.
If you’re still thinking about submitting your own query, please read my archives first, then edit. I’m happy to help, but I’d rather not do for you what you can do for yourself—you’ll do it sooo much better than I ever could.
That said, let’s do another one, k?
This query is one I hosted on my blog for the Gearing Up to Get an Agent blogfest. It’s written by Catherine Scully (@CatMScully), who approached me for advice on POV: her book has alternating POV’s, and she’s having trouble figuring out which one to use for her query. Jennifer is the title character, so she seems to be the most obvious, but the first chapter features Marcus, which confuses people after they read the query. She’s tried putting them both in the query but got lots of feedback indicating that the result was awkward and she should just pick one.
I have some suggestions, but first this is her most recent query, using Jennifer’s POV:
Okay, to sum up:
1. Marcus, not Jennifer—and more details on Marcus: what he likes, what he knows, what he thinks about Jennifer.
2. More about the wraith! If the wraith is the antagonist, it deserves more than a half a sentence.
3. Describe (or hint at) how they plan to defeat the wraith and how their awesome powers will help.
Catherine, I hope this helps. I think you have the makings of a great story here, and I’m assuming that the answers to all my questions are already in the book—we just need them in the query, too. Let me know if you want me to look at a rewrite--I really want to see the improved version, though it will have to wait until I go through the new ones, so take your time. Good luck!
For everyone else, please chime in--do you agree with using Marcus's POV? Do you, also, want more info on the wraith, or should she focus on Marcus and Jennifer more? Did you like Catherine's query the way it was and now think I'm being mean? Seriously, guys, I'm a lawyer--how am I supposed to argue if no one will disagree with me?
If you’re still thinking about submitting your own query, please read my archives first, then edit. I’m happy to help, but I’d rather not do for you what you can do for yourself—you’ll do it sooo much better than I ever could.
That said, let’s do another one, k?
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| Read more here |
This query is one I hosted on my blog for the Gearing Up to Get an Agent blogfest. It’s written by Catherine Scully (@CatMScully), who approached me for advice on POV: her book has alternating POV’s, and she’s having trouble figuring out which one to use for her query. Jennifer is the title character, so she seems to be the most obvious, but the first chapter features Marcus, which confuses people after they read the query. She’s tried putting them both in the query but got lots of feedback indicating that the result was awkward and she should just pick one.
I have some suggestions, but first this is her most recent query, using Jennifer’s POV:
Fifteen-year-old Jennifer Strange believes in measurable facts, not in the occult. When a lost ghost tears apart her Chemistry class and a Ghost Hunter named Marcus Blackwell claims she is a Medium, Jennifer must admit that ghosts exist.
After agreeing to team up with Marcus to help find the ghost, Jennifer inadvertently meets Marcus’s sinister Grandmother and their family of Ghost Hunters. While Jennifer doesn't believe the Grandmother’s claim that Jennifer is the most powerful Medium alive, her unusual gift is clear: Jennifer can touch ghosts. No other Medium ever knew such power, but Jennifer has no desire to become a Medium for the Blackwell family Ghost Hunters. Despite her feelings, Jennifer must still help the ghost remember who he is before a wraith possessing his soul is unleashed and devours them all.
In a “Ghostbusters” meets Kendare Blake’s “Anna Dressed in Blood,” JENNIFER STRANGE shares dark occult themes, black comedy laughs, vibrant horrors, and forbidden love told in alternating chapters from Marcus’s and Jennifer’s perspectives.Before we get ahead of ourselves, let’s talk about what we know:
1. Who is the protagonist? Both Jennifer and Marcus share this distinction. Marcus is a ghost hunter and part of a family of ghost hunters. Not exactly clear on what a ghost hunter does. Does he find and kill them? Send them peacefully to the other side ala Ghost Whisperer? Does he have a special knife ala Anna Dressed in Blood? Gimme a picture. Marcus serves as a bit of a mentor to Jennifer and gets her to team up with him to hunt ghosts. It’s unclear how he feels about being a ghost hunter and whether he is attracted to Jennifer. Has he ever wanted to do anything else? Is Jennifer simply a means to a ghost hunter end or does he have other designs on her?
Jennifer is a skeptic – slash – medium who is forced to believe in ghosts when one manifests in chemistry class. She is possibly the most powerful medium EVER. She has no desire to be a medium… but does it anyway to help a ghost… which is what mediums DO. So she’s sort of in denial. We don’t know if she’s attracted to Marcus or why she thinks his family is sinister or how this medium gig interrupts her real life—or even what she did in her real life before this medium gig. All we really know about her is that she’s a reluctant superhero—that’s an awesome label, but it’s so common, you really need to distinguish her personality more.
2. What does he/she want? Marcus wants Jennifer to help this ghost remember who he is before a wraith devours them all. Not sure why remembering will help, or what effect success will have on Marcus’ life. Is this just another job for him? What is Marcus’s personal motivation, beyond the not-wanting-to-be-devoured thing? If it was just another, more normal ghost, would he let it be or still hunt it? What would happen then? Don’t spell that all out—hints are good. Just flesh it out a touch.
Jennifer wants the same thing: No devouring. We actually know more about what Jennifer doesn't want than what she does want: she doesn't want to be a medium, she doesn't want to hunt ghosts, she doesn't want to be devoured. We can intuit the why behind that last one, but I have no clue on the first two. What in her normal life is so exciting and important that she turns her nose up at this kind of power and adventure? What is it that convinces her to give it a try?
3. What stands in his/her way? Um…? If the goal is to help the ghost remember who he is, how bad is this memory loss? Is the ghost communicative? Elusive? Does he rip people in half whenever they try to talk to him? Is he allergic to mementos? Does he want to remember? Is the wraith the problem? What affect does the wraith have on the ghost? Has anyone seen this before or is this a try-stuff-until-something-works kind of problem? Clearly answering this question (or providing clear hints) will help us understand just how hard the MC’s will have to work to succeed.
4. What will happen if they fail? DEVOURING! Not sure if the whole world will be devoured by the wraith or if it will just be the team, though. Also not sure what kind of time frame we’re looking at—can they tell when the wraith will unleash? Just how imminent is this devouring? If it does unleash, can’t they just run away? Kill the wraith separately? Is it possible to fail at helping the ghost remember who he is and still kill the wraith?
5. What will they have to do to succeed? This I’m also unclear on, which is probably the worst problem because this is where your story lies. So far, we have premise: reluctant superhero medium meets novice mentor ghost hunter and they must save/kill a ghost/wraith before the wraith devours someone. So will they be meditating inside a circle of magic rocks? Looking through old photographs trying to find the face of the ghost? Searching old newspapers for a record of his death? Will their lives be in danger before the Great Unleashing? Give a brief picture of the action of the book. How will our heroes go about solving the problem? How will Marcus’s ghost hunter skills be used? Why is Jennifer’s ability to touch a ghost so significant? How exciting is this story going to be, anyway?
Okay, now for the query POV question. I’m going with an idea that focuses on the market, as I understand it: write the query from Marcus’s POV. While my favorite idea is to use them both for the query (romance novels get away with that all the time), if that’s going to throw off agents, don’t do it. Using Marcus’s POV has several advantages: 1) people won’t get confused when he’s the POV of the first chapter; 2) boys are more likely to purchase Jennifer Strange if it looks like it might be a boy-book; 3) Marcus knows more about this ghost hunting thing than Jennifer does, so you don’t have to waste words being reluctant—you can just tell what Marcus knows.
With that in mind, let’s look at quirking the query:
Fifteen-year-old Jennifer Strange believes in measurable facts, not in the occult. When a lost ghost tears apart her Chemistry class and a Ghost Hunter named Marcus Blackwell claims she is a Medium, Jennifer must admit that ghosts exist.This paragraph should detail Marcus’s history in his ghost hunter family and his need for a medium. Emphasize what he wants out of life and what he’s prepared to do to get it. If he meets Jennifer in this paragraph, what is his initial reaction to her? Is he understanding about her mind being blown or is he impatient at her slow learning curve? Is he attracted to her?
After agreeing to team up with Marcus to help find the ghost, Jennifer inadvertently meets Marcus’s sinister Grandmother and their family of Ghost Hunters. While Jennifer doesn't believe the Grandmother’s claim that Jennifer is the most powerful Medium alive, her unusual gift is clear: Jennifer can touch ghosts. No other Medium ever knew such power, but Jennifer has no desire to become a Medium for the Blackwell family Ghost Hunters. Despite her feelings, Jennifer must still help the ghost remember who he is before a wraith possessing his soul is unleashed and devours them all.Don’t spend much time on grandmother and what grandmother thinks about Jennifer--and don't use words like inadvertently if you're not going to explain them. Let Marcus tell us that no one has ever seen a medium who can touch ghosts, let him react, and move on to the problem: the wraith. We really, really, need to understand the wraith more. What does it do? How and why is it attached to the ghost? What kind of ghost is it? How can they stop the wraith (in theory)? What is the danger level? What is the first step they’ll have to take? Maybe mention Marcus having to drag Jennifer along, but again, the reluctant superhero is so common, mentioning it once is plenty enough. We get it—move on to something we haven’t seen before.
In a “Ghostbusters” meets Kendare Blake’s “Anna Dressed in Blood,” JENNIFER STRANGE shares dark occult themes, black comedy laughs, vibrant horrors, and forbidden love told in alternating chapters from Marcus’s and Jennifer’s perspectives.These are great comparison titles, but you take it a hair too far. I've read several agent blogs that say you shouldn't cross the line into praising your own book. Also, you shouldn't use the comparison paragraph to say things that aren't obvious in the query—just make them obvious IN THE QUERY. Show, don't tell. Does your book have black comedy laughs? Then make the agent laugh darkly as she reads the blurb. Vibrant horror? Splash some bright red blood around (with words, lest someone misunderstand—never use gimmicks). Forbidden love? The blurb had better talk about why Marcus and Jennifer can’t get together—there’s not even word one about them liking each other! Also, I don’t think it’s necessary to say you have alternating POV's: no need to turn off agents who don’t prefer that sort of thing right up front. If they've made it all the way to chapter 2, you've probably hooked them enough that they’ll be happy to see Jennifer chime in.
Okay, to sum up:
1. Marcus, not Jennifer—and more details on Marcus: what he likes, what he knows, what he thinks about Jennifer.
2. More about the wraith! If the wraith is the antagonist, it deserves more than a half a sentence.
3. Describe (or hint at) how they plan to defeat the wraith and how their awesome powers will help.
Catherine, I hope this helps. I think you have the makings of a great story here, and I’m assuming that the answers to all my questions are already in the book—we just need them in the query, too. Let me know if you want me to look at a rewrite--I really want to see the improved version, though it will have to wait until I go through the new ones, so take your time. Good luck!
For everyone else, please chime in--do you agree with using Marcus's POV? Do you, also, want more info on the wraith, or should she focus on Marcus and Jennifer more? Did you like Catherine's query the way it was and now think I'm being mean? Seriously, guys, I'm a lawyer--how am I supposed to argue if no one will disagree with me?
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
HNTWAQ: Practice 5
It's the first Tuesday of October and I'm back with another....
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| Read the rest here |
This time my tribute (her word, not mine, but it was so fun I had to steal it) is Mara Valderran (@MaraValderran). Mara was kind enough to provide me with two versions of her query. One was her very first query draft and was adorably clueless (she admits that). I'm going to be helpful and critique her current query, but I might have to post her first draft some other time, just in case someone hasn't yet learned what Mara has.
If this is your first time here, remember that what doesn't work for me might work just fine for an agent. I'm mostly trying to pinpoint what I got out of the query and what I think it might be lacking. Feel free to ignore any and all advice you don't like.
First, her intact current query:
My first impression is that the idea of a group of prophesied youngsters scattered through the universe is very fun. It reminds me of Escape to Witch Mountain, a book I loved growing up. (Love the movies, too.) I think there's a love of great information here, but not all of it is, perhaps, as directed as it could be. Let's start with my 5 favorite questions (yeah, there used to be 4 until this post):
1: Who is the protagonist? Zelene, who was born on another planet and raised on Earth. She is 1/5 of a group of girls prophesied to bring an end to a long-standing inter-world conflict. What isn't quite clear is her relationship to the other 4 girls. One is her twin sister--did she know she had a twin sister? If not, did she sense her absence her whole life? The prophecy is making demands on her family, so it seems that the other girls are related to her somehow. Cousins? Other siblings? Also, who raised her on earth? Where were the other girls raised? Was she happy here? Did she have any clues about her heritage or was she planning to become a dentist when she grew up? What goals did she have to abandon when prophecy came knocking? The query doesn't really hint at any moments of "Wait! I don't wanna go!" Bring some of that emotion out and we'll connect to your character a bit better. Was she excited to embark on her prophesied adventure or sad to leave the only life she'd known?
Also, the query mentions powers, but not what they are. When did Zelene find out she had powers? What are they? Are they the same as the other girls' or different?
2: What does she want? The really important plot goal is that she wants her sister back so that they can fulfill their destiny. This is a great goal with wonderful layers. Keep in mind, though, that a war is never black and white (something you hinted at in the first draft). Unless the five together can control the minds of all the people on all the warring planets, peace will only come through bloody force or by negotiated consent. Or both. So who does she want to win? What makes the other side bad? What is the plan for restoring peace? Will the Fab 5 become a weapon akin to a super-nova? The kind of thing that will intimidate their enemies into submission? Why do they trust the prophecy?
It might also be good to hint at what she plans to do once peace is restored. Does she want to go back to ordinary Earth or bask in the Fab 5 lime-light out in the cosmos?
3: What stands in her way? Enemies. Yeah, this is a bit vague. I like that we know what they did--they kidnapped Ariana--and what they're going to do--sacrifice her for her powers--but I'm not happy with the facelessness. Is there an easy way to name them? Are they the main bad guys? What is their goal? If they win the war, what will they do with their victory? How will Ariana's powers help them?
It also seems like the elders are standing in her way a bit, since they aren't lifting a finger to rescue Ariana. Which, frankly, doesn't make a lot of sense. They've poured a lot of time and effort into this Fab 5 enterprise, and if their super weapon won't work without all five, they have to be frantic. Now, I'm going to assume that they have plans of their own going that they're not telling Zelene, but how does Zelene explain their inaction to herself? Do they put her off with "We have our best people working on it" or do they just tell her to mind her own training? Why don't they try to placate her?
4: What will happen if she fails? Her sister (who Zelene has never met) will be sacrificed and all hope for lasting peace will be lost. Which begs the question(s): How long does it take to sacrifice someone? What is the countdown? How much time does Zelene have to rescue her? Also, why isn't everyone else panicked? More details on the enemies will help this, since surely they're more concerned about losing the war than continuing the war. What will the enemies do if they win? What will life be like?
5: What will she have to do to succeed? She has to find a way to "ignite the power locked within herself." I guess. I have no clear picture of what that will look like or how easy the task will be to accomplish once the power is unlocked. If her power is god-like, she should spend all her time in meditation (sort of boring) because then she'll be able to do whatever she wants with a thought. If, however, her powers are more limited (which I'm assuming is the case, since you're planning a multi-book series), will she also have to travel through treacherous space to get to the planet where they're holding her sister? Is there someone who will be helping her with that? Can one of the other girls teleport? You don't have to lay out the entire plan, but give us a hint. What is Zelene's power? How will it help her get her sister back? So far, all we really have is a problem that needs solving. Give me a picture of what the actual story/plot/action of the book will be.
Reeling yet? Let's see if I can help carve out some room in the query for everything I want you to add:
There's really no need to say what she is NOT aware of. It doesn't tell us much about her. Stick to her reactions to what she knows or will learn.
It's really hard to provide concrete evidence of the "lack" of something, and saying that the elders aren't trying to save Ariana--without explaining why--is a mite confusing for a query. Perhaps you can simply say that Zelene is desperate to help rescue her unknown sister, but the elders force her to spend long hours training with Guru, who is teaching her to use her fire/ice/telekinetic/whatever magic. Might mention also that the elders are silent on what they may or may not be doing to rescue her. Don't say they're NOT doing it--but you can hint that Zelene doesn't think they are, if you must (but only if she also has a theory for WHY).
Prophecies are no different from horoscopes in the back of Cosmo, as Zelene would say. She likes to remind people that Y2K came and went without the world ending, and, yes, the world will continue to spin after the Mayan calendar ends. She does not realize she is part of an ancient prophesy of five girls born into a powerful bloodline that would bring about the end of a generations-long power struggle among worlds. She is not even aware of worlds beyond this one.
Zelene learns of the destiny the prophecy demands of her and the family she was separated from as an infant when she is ripped from the world she has known her whole life and dragged back to the one of her birth. She is reunited one by one with the other three girls but finds that her twin sister is notably absent. Ariana has been captured by enemies intent on sacrificing her in order to gain her powers and Zelene can’t help but shudder at how easily she could have ended up in Ariana’s shoes. When she questions the lack of rescue efforts, the elders tell her to focus on learning the ways of their world and how to tap into her own magic. But Zelene has never been the best at doing what she is told.
Zelene is quick to realize what is at stake. Without Ariana as the fifth, the foretold peace and healing of the war-torn worlds cannot come to pass, and the war will spill over into the world she has known as home. She knows she has to find a way to ignite the power locked within herself to save Ariana, or she risks leaving the fates of millions to a vague prophecy and the arcane politics that brought about the war in the first place.
My first impression is that the idea of a group of prophesied youngsters scattered through the universe is very fun. It reminds me of Escape to Witch Mountain, a book I loved growing up. (Love the movies, too.) I think there's a love of great information here, but not all of it is, perhaps, as directed as it could be. Let's start with my 5 favorite questions (yeah, there used to be 4 until this post):
1: Who is the protagonist? Zelene, who was born on another planet and raised on Earth. She is 1/5 of a group of girls prophesied to bring an end to a long-standing inter-world conflict. What isn't quite clear is her relationship to the other 4 girls. One is her twin sister--did she know she had a twin sister? If not, did she sense her absence her whole life? The prophecy is making demands on her family, so it seems that the other girls are related to her somehow. Cousins? Other siblings? Also, who raised her on earth? Where were the other girls raised? Was she happy here? Did she have any clues about her heritage or was she planning to become a dentist when she grew up? What goals did she have to abandon when prophecy came knocking? The query doesn't really hint at any moments of "Wait! I don't wanna go!" Bring some of that emotion out and we'll connect to your character a bit better. Was she excited to embark on her prophesied adventure or sad to leave the only life she'd known?
Also, the query mentions powers, but not what they are. When did Zelene find out she had powers? What are they? Are they the same as the other girls' or different?
2: What does she want? The really important plot goal is that she wants her sister back so that they can fulfill their destiny. This is a great goal with wonderful layers. Keep in mind, though, that a war is never black and white (something you hinted at in the first draft). Unless the five together can control the minds of all the people on all the warring planets, peace will only come through bloody force or by negotiated consent. Or both. So who does she want to win? What makes the other side bad? What is the plan for restoring peace? Will the Fab 5 become a weapon akin to a super-nova? The kind of thing that will intimidate their enemies into submission? Why do they trust the prophecy?
It might also be good to hint at what she plans to do once peace is restored. Does she want to go back to ordinary Earth or bask in the Fab 5 lime-light out in the cosmos?
3: What stands in her way? Enemies. Yeah, this is a bit vague. I like that we know what they did--they kidnapped Ariana--and what they're going to do--sacrifice her for her powers--but I'm not happy with the facelessness. Is there an easy way to name them? Are they the main bad guys? What is their goal? If they win the war, what will they do with their victory? How will Ariana's powers help them?
It also seems like the elders are standing in her way a bit, since they aren't lifting a finger to rescue Ariana. Which, frankly, doesn't make a lot of sense. They've poured a lot of time and effort into this Fab 5 enterprise, and if their super weapon won't work without all five, they have to be frantic. Now, I'm going to assume that they have plans of their own going that they're not telling Zelene, but how does Zelene explain their inaction to herself? Do they put her off with "We have our best people working on it" or do they just tell her to mind her own training? Why don't they try to placate her?
4: What will happen if she fails? Her sister (who Zelene has never met) will be sacrificed and all hope for lasting peace will be lost. Which begs the question(s): How long does it take to sacrifice someone? What is the countdown? How much time does Zelene have to rescue her? Also, why isn't everyone else panicked? More details on the enemies will help this, since surely they're more concerned about losing the war than continuing the war. What will the enemies do if they win? What will life be like?
5: What will she have to do to succeed? She has to find a way to "ignite the power locked within herself." I guess. I have no clear picture of what that will look like or how easy the task will be to accomplish once the power is unlocked. If her power is god-like, she should spend all her time in meditation (sort of boring) because then she'll be able to do whatever she wants with a thought. If, however, her powers are more limited (which I'm assuming is the case, since you're planning a multi-book series), will she also have to travel through treacherous space to get to the planet where they're holding her sister? Is there someone who will be helping her with that? Can one of the other girls teleport? You don't have to lay out the entire plan, but give us a hint. What is Zelene's power? How will it help her get her sister back? So far, all we really have is a problem that needs solving. Give me a picture of what the actual story/plot/action of the book will be.
Reeling yet? Let's see if I can help carve out some room in the query for everything I want you to add:
I like that this first paragraph grounds us in modern times, but you use too much space to do it, IMO. See if there is a half-sentence way to do the same thing. Mentioning Cosmo is fine, but this is really a huge paragraph that only really says that Zelene is part of a prophecy she knows nothing about. Try something like this: Sixteen-year-old Zelene mocks the horoscopes in the back of Cosmo and would laugh hysterically if someone suggested that a prophecy made about her--on another plant, no less--would change her whole life.Prophecies are no different from horoscopes in the back of Cosmo, as Zelene would say. She likes to remind people that Y2K came and went without the world ending, and, yes, the world will continue to spin after the Mayan calendar ends. She does not realize she is part of an ancient prophesy of five girls born into a powerful bloodline that would bring about the end of a generations-long power struggle among worlds. She is not even aware of worlds beyond this one.
There's really no need to say what she is NOT aware of. It doesn't tell us much about her. Stick to her reactions to what she knows or will learn.
Zelene learns of the destiny the prophecy demands of her and the family she was separated from as an infant when she is ripped from the world she has known her whole life and dragged back to the one of her birth.HOW does she learn of her destiny? Passive language is a killer in queries, too. Perhaps especially. We need pictures and lots of them. Also, try to keep things in time-line order. This first sentence keeps looping: she learns of her destiny, a few words later she's being separated from her family as an infant, then she's all grown up and ripped from the world she's known and THEN she learns her destiny? Try something like: On the eve of her school prom, Zelene's bedroom on Earth vanishes and she finds herself standing in the middle of a crowded assembly hall on Otherplanet, 5 billion light years away. There, she learns that her birth family is cursed with magical powers and prophesied to end an interstellar war that has been raging for centuries.
She is reunited"THE other three girls" suggests that there are only four, which you contradicted in the first paragraph. The "notably" adverb is superflous--if there are supposed to be 5 and there are only 4, it is easy to see that one is missing. I'd suggest using this part to explain the prophecy and the relationship between the girls (cousins??), and then just mention that there's a problem: Ariana, the twin sister Zelene has never known, has been captured (implies missing). Then tell us the name of the enemy and what they will do if they are able to extract Ariana's powers. Also, here is a good spot to mention the ticking clock--how long until Ariana dies?one by onewith the other three girls but finds that her twin sister is notably absent. Ariana has been captured by enemies intent on sacrificing her in order to gain her powers andZelene can’t help but shudder at how easily she could have ended up in Ariana’s shoes. Whenshe questions thelack of rescue efforts, the elders tell her to focus on learning the ways of their world and how to tap into her own magic. But Zelene has never been the best at doing what she is told.
It's really hard to provide concrete evidence of the "lack" of something, and saying that the elders aren't trying to save Ariana--without explaining why--is a mite confusing for a query. Perhaps you can simply say that Zelene is desperate to help rescue her unknown sister, but the elders force her to spend long hours training with Guru, who is teaching her to use her fire/ice/telekinetic/whatever magic. Might mention also that the elders are silent on what they may or may not be doing to rescue her. Don't say they're NOT doing it--but you can hint that Zelene doesn't think they are, if you must (but only if she also has a theory for WHY).
Zelene is quick to realize what is at stake.Without Ariana as the fifth, the foretold peace and healing of the war-torn worlds cannot come to pass, and the war will spill over into the world she has known as home. She knows she has to find a way toignite the power locked within herselfto save Ariana, or she risks leaving the fates of millions to a vague prophecy and the arcane politics that brought about the war in the first place.
Don't say that characters realize something--I'm going to assume she's smart or she wouldn't be the MC. Just say what the stakes are. Also, if you can use one word to replace seven, do it. You've established Earth as the planet she grew up on--maybe mention "her family on Earth" if you want to make more of an emotional connection. Mostly, there are a lot of planets mentioned without names--that can get confusing.
On the rest, I sort of get lost. Tell us how her specific power will help get Ariana back, what the Fab 5 can do to restore peace, and hint at what the action of the plot will look like. It's soooo tempting to turn vague at the end of the query, because you don't want to give away all your secrets, but, really: what's the story? What is the first step she will have to take on the journey to restore her sister?
The last little bit is probably best left off or completely rewritten--there's a vague prophecy that she's simultaneously trying to fulfill AND that millions will be left at the mercy of should she fail? Aren't prophecies sort of omnipresent? Millions of fates will be subject to the prophecy either way, right? Then that mention of arcane politics right at the end is also confusing--you haven't mentioned it through the rest of the query (though maybe you should have) so it feels sort of tacked on. What are "arcane politics" anyway? Will the Fab 5 be doing something magically political? How, exactly, do they plan to end this war? Can we have a hint?
Okay, I'll stop there. To sum up:
1. More insight on Zelene's character and what drives her.
2. More specifics on what the magic does and how it will make a difference--especially how the Fab5 will be able to stop a long-term war (or how everyone thinks they can)
3. More details on what Zelene will DO to rescue Ariana.
4. Streamline everything, cutting out needless or confusing information.
Thanks, Mara, for letting me muck around in your query. *round of applause for Mara for volunteering* I'm happy to look at the next version for either another blog post or a more private critique (though I do love showing everyone how much your query can improve).
What about everyone else? What did you like about her query? What worked for you? What parts confused you? Do you disagree with any of my advice? (Please feel free!)
Thursday, August 9, 2012
How NOT to Write a Query 6: Breakdown
On Tuesday, I broke Dan Wells' excellent book blurb on PARTIALS. This is about how.
First, let's look at my bad version again:
Sixteen-year-old Kira lives on Long Island with the tens of thousands of humans who survived the war with the partials—engineered organic beings identical to humans. The weaponized virus which destroyed the rest of humanity is still working: no baby has been born immune to the disease in over a decade. Desperate to find a cure, the government passed the Hope Act—which could soon force Kira to become pregnant . . . and watch a new child die every year to provide data for the scientists’ disease research.
Kira knows she's too young to start that, but she is determined to find a cure—and she’s willing to go to tremendous lengths to make that happen.
Before we move on to the good version, notice that this blurb suggests that Kira's main goal will be working to avoid being used as breeding stock for dead babies. We know that she's going to go to "tremendous lengths" to find a cure for the virus that makes that necessary, but we don't know if she's planning to dodge an unwanted pregnancy or if she's planning to reluctantly submit. What, exactly, are these tremendous lengths? Not a clue.
So let's look at the real blurb:
Humanity is all but extinguished after a war with partials—engineered organic beings identical to humans—has decimated the world’s population. Reduced to only tens of thousands by a weaponized virus to which only a fraction of humanity is immune, the survivors in North America have huddled together on Long Island. The threat of the partials is still imminent, but, worse, no baby has been born immune to the disease in over a decade. Humanity’s time is running out.
When sixteen-year-old Kira learns of her best friend’s pregnancy, she’s determined to find a solution. Then one rash decision forces Kira to flee her community with the unlikeliest of allies. As she tries desperately to save what is left of her race, she discovers that the survival of both humans and partials rests in her attempts to answer questions of the war’s origin that she never knew to ask.
[I left off the paragraph that talks about how awesome the book is--we don't get to write those things for our queries.]
So what's the difference? STAKES. The real blurb tells us clearly 1) What Kira wants (to save her friend's baby), 2) What stands in her way (the virus that will kill the baby), 3) What she's doing to get it (hint: she's not getting pregnant--she's off somewhere else looking for the cure), and 4) What happens if she fails (humanity won't be saved).
This is slightly different from How NOT to Write a Query 5,where I talked about not being vague and including specific details about your world and your plot. This time, we're focusing on the stakes--what the protagonist has to do and what will happen if s/he fails. That needs to be in there somewhere, folks. More, you need to give the agents some hint about what the protagonist will be doing about that. Because that's where the story is.
Setting isn't story. Premise isn't story. Character isn't story. Story is someone trying to get something, something standing in their way, and that person doing what it takes to overcome the obstacle to prevent something bad from happening.
I'm ashamed to confess that it took me a year to understand this. That I thought until very recently that my query didn't need all that. That the goal and the obstacle and what my MC would have to do to overcome it was a secret. That the potential consequence was the biggest secret of all. *sigh* Be wiser than I was, okay?
Specific details about the actual stakes faced by the protagonist can help make the book sound like something someone will want to read.
So go look at your query and make sure it says, suggests, or hints the following:
1. What does the main character want?
2. What stands in his way?
3. What will she have to do to get what she wants?
4. What, specifically, will happen if he fails?
Is it there? Has it always been there? If so, you're a year ahead of me.
What lessons have you learned while writing bad queries?
I'm planning another installment of this series for the first Tuesday of each month. If you'd like me to feature (read: rip apart without mercy) your own real query--either anonymously or with full credit and linkage--email me at robinweekswriter [at] gmail [dot] com.
First, let's look at my bad version again:
Sixteen-year-old Kira lives on Long Island with the tens of thousands of humans who survived the war with the partials—engineered organic beings identical to humans. The weaponized virus which destroyed the rest of humanity is still working: no baby has been born immune to the disease in over a decade. Desperate to find a cure, the government passed the Hope Act—which could soon force Kira to become pregnant . . . and watch a new child die every year to provide data for the scientists’ disease research.
Kira knows she's too young to start that, but she is determined to find a cure—and she’s willing to go to tremendous lengths to make that happen.
Before we move on to the good version, notice that this blurb suggests that Kira's main goal will be working to avoid being used as breeding stock for dead babies. We know that she's going to go to "tremendous lengths" to find a cure for the virus that makes that necessary, but we don't know if she's planning to dodge an unwanted pregnancy or if she's planning to reluctantly submit. What, exactly, are these tremendous lengths? Not a clue.
So let's look at the real blurb:
Humanity is all but extinguished after a war with partials—engineered organic beings identical to humans—has decimated the world’s population. Reduced to only tens of thousands by a weaponized virus to which only a fraction of humanity is immune, the survivors in North America have huddled together on Long Island. The threat of the partials is still imminent, but, worse, no baby has been born immune to the disease in over a decade. Humanity’s time is running out.
When sixteen-year-old Kira learns of her best friend’s pregnancy, she’s determined to find a solution. Then one rash decision forces Kira to flee her community with the unlikeliest of allies. As she tries desperately to save what is left of her race, she discovers that the survival of both humans and partials rests in her attempts to answer questions of the war’s origin that she never knew to ask.
[I left off the paragraph that talks about how awesome the book is--we don't get to write those things for our queries.]
So what's the difference? STAKES. The real blurb tells us clearly 1) What Kira wants (to save her friend's baby), 2) What stands in her way (the virus that will kill the baby), 3) What she's doing to get it (hint: she's not getting pregnant--she's off somewhere else looking for the cure), and 4) What happens if she fails (humanity won't be saved).
This is slightly different from How NOT to Write a Query 5,where I talked about not being vague and including specific details about your world and your plot. This time, we're focusing on the stakes--what the protagonist has to do and what will happen if s/he fails. That needs to be in there somewhere, folks. More, you need to give the agents some hint about what the protagonist will be doing about that. Because that's where the story is.
Setting isn't story. Premise isn't story. Character isn't story. Story is someone trying to get something, something standing in their way, and that person doing what it takes to overcome the obstacle to prevent something bad from happening.
I'm ashamed to confess that it took me a year to understand this. That I thought until very recently that my query didn't need all that. That the goal and the obstacle and what my MC would have to do to overcome it was a secret. That the potential consequence was the biggest secret of all. *sigh* Be wiser than I was, okay?
Specific details about the actual stakes faced by the protagonist can help make the book sound like something someone will want to read.
So go look at your query and make sure it says, suggests, or hints the following:
1. What does the main character want?
2. What stands in his way?
3. What will she have to do to get what she wants?
4. What, specifically, will happen if he fails?
Is it there? Has it always been there? If so, you're a year ahead of me.
What lessons have you learned while writing bad queries?
I'm planning another installment of this series for the first Tuesday of each month. If you'd like me to feature (read: rip apart without mercy) your own real query--either anonymously or with full credit and linkage--email me at robinweekswriter [at] gmail [dot] com.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
How NOT to Write a Query 6
Time again for another round of:
If you're just joining us, this is a series where I explore all I know about queries . . . which mostly encompasses the mistakes I've made along the way.
This post explores something REALLY OBVIOUS that took me a year to learn. Seriously, I spent a year thinking my own query didn't need this. *head desk*
Once again, I've bastardized a book blurb of a really awesome book and turned it into something a novice query writer might write. Since this is Dan Wells's book, PARTIALS, and since Dan is not a novice query writer--and didn't have to query this book (quite the opposite)--my rewrite is the absolute worst this particular blurb has ever been. Probably. Also, I totally stole whole phrases from the real blurb while I was writing my screwed-up version.
In any event, if you haven't read this excellent book yet, please keep in mind that this is the bad version. Don't judge the book on the bad blurb. Come back Thursday for the real version.
Sixteen-year-old Kira lives on Long Island with the tens of thousands of humans who survived the war with the partials—engineered organic beings identical to humans. The weaponized virus which destroyed the rest of humanity is still working: no baby has been born immune to the disease in over a decade. Desperate to find a cure, the government passed the Hope Act—which could soon force Kira to become pregnant . . . and watch a new child die every year to provide data for the scientists’ disease research.
Kira knows she's too young to start that, but she is determined to find a cure—and she’s willing to go to tremendous lengths to make that happen.
---
So what do you think? If you haven't read the book, what do you think the main conflict is? If you have read the book, does this version of the blurb sound at all familiar? What's missing?
Breakdown coming on Thursday . . . .
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Important Things (including a contest)
Contest Alert!
Taryn Albright, who is quickly becoming my favorite teenager (only she's 19, so soon she'll be all old and stuff) is an agency intern and an editor for Teen Eyes, an awesome editorial service where you can get experienced, intelligent teenagers from your target audience to critique your YA manuscript. They also do FREE query critiques (though if too many of us reveal our desperation for review, they might be forced to change that policy) AND Taryn is having a contest this week (ending tomorrow, Wednesday, July 25th). If you enter the contest you are guaranteed a free query crit. If she likes your query the best, you'll win a 10-page critique.Did I mention she's an agency intern? So she, like, knows a good query when she sees one? Unlike some people who like to blog about queries but only know how NOT to write them?
She's also going to break down the good query on her blog. How's THAT for awesome?
Also, while she critiques queries, she's started doing #querycrits on Twitter, which is all 10 kinds of awesome. You definitely want to follow her.
Poll Results
Okay, so this isn't all that important, but just for the heck of it, I'll tell you that I got 3 votes to continue my How NOT to Write a Query series, 2 votes from people who want to volunteer their own queries, 3 who said they would help, only 1 who won't be reading them (we'll miss you), and absolutely no one was honest enough to tell me I'm up in the night to be dispensing query advice.My current plan is to critique a query once a month (even those who like the series didn't think I should do TOO much of it). For more information, please see my newly added tab at the top of the page for all your How NOT to Write a Query resource needs.
The Kiss of Stranger
You gonna join the contest? Submit your query for future editions of HNTWAQ? Buy Sarah's book? Good for you.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
HNTWAQ: Practice 2 Rewrite
I've discovered my favorite part about this series: REWRITES. I love seeing the raw query and then the so-much-better rewrites. I'm learning so much about HOW to write a query by watching these folks improve theirs. Maybe someday, I'll understand how to write a good one myself.
Until then, this is How NOT to Write a Query: Practice 2... the rewrite.
Once again, this query is by Robin Hall (not to be confused with Robin Weeks, though her name IS almost as cool as mine). This is the rewrite, which I love so much more than the last draft.
So it's pretty good right now, but let's see if we can help make it better. 'Cause that's what we do. Also, everyone who voted and said they'd help critique queries, now's your chance.
Also, maybe it's just my own worldview, but I've seen tons and tons of successful relationships, so I have a hard time buying that she has never smelled something good from a couple's photo. Also, if no one ever gets good news about their relationship, why would people pay her to predict that they will break up? I'd buy that most relationships smell rotten, but all? I have a problem with that. Especially since it seems that Rae is seemingly the only one who can find her true love. Seems unfair, even if she is the MC.
Also, calling a nemesis a "nemesis" is rather cliche and cartooney. This is compounded by the fact that I'm guessing that the nemesis is the boy in the photo, so I want more details and I think you're trying to be sneaky by hiding behind cheesy labels--which only draws more attention to it. If I'm right, give him/her a gender (preferably male) and a name so that I can think I'm right and so I'll really really want to read the book to find out. If I'm wrong, leave the nemesis out and just say she's exposed. True nemeses are important--just ask Perry the Platypus--so they deserve a few more details. The more (brief) details you can give me about him/her, the more I'll wonder if my crazy theory is wrong.
Speaking of whom, anyone else want to chime in? Any genre experts? Anyone else suspect that the nemesis is really Rae's true love?
Until then, this is How NOT to Write a Query: Practice 2... the rewrite.
Once again, this query is by Robin Hall (not to be confused with Robin Weeks, though her name IS almost as cool as mine). This is the rewrite, which I love so much more than the last draft.
Dear Agent,
Because you’re so awesome I thought you might be interested in my magical realism YA, LOVESENSE (55,000 words).
Seventeen-year-old RAE can look at a photograph of a couple and determine the length of their relationship by its smell—a strange gift of “lovesense” she’s always had. The worse the stench, the nastier the breakup. It’s why she owns more nose plugs than an Olympic swimmer, avoids checkout stand magazines, and dreads her photo counter job. Because Rae has never sniffed an everlasting relationship, she believes true love only exists in fairy tales.
Trying to make the best of her lovesense, she runs an anonymous drop-your-photo-and-cash-here business at school. As Rae focuses on passing Junior English and conquering the 110-meter hurdles, she smells relationships ending through bat guano, rotten eggs, and half-masticated rotting seal. Until an old photograph changes everything: Rae smells something good. And, this time, she’s in the picture.
Finding the grown-up version of the mysterious baby boy she once played with becomes her quest. But just as Rae begins to open herself to the idea of true love, her nemesis exposes Rae’s secret talent and illegal school activities. Now she’s suspended from school, banned from the City-County track meet, and rumored to be a psycho gypsy freak.
Rae must embrace her lovesense and take a chance on love if she’s ever going to find her match, or face her classmates again.
I have included the first ten pages of the manuscript. The complete manuscript is available upon request.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
Robin Hall
[Contact info redacted]The thing I love most about this rewrite is that it solidifies what a lovesense is and how it works--and she doesn't take forever explaining it, either. I also feel like I know Rae better: how she deals with her extra sense, how irritating it can be, and how she actually profits from it, helps me see her as resourceful and spunky. I also understand better why she wants to find her true love when she doesn't really believe in it. Her nemesis and the consequences of exposure stand in her way to not just true love, but also getting a normal life back, and if she fails, she could face permanent ostracism and never find true love (I love that so much better than just not having a boyfriend).
So it's pretty good right now, but let's see if we can help make it better. 'Cause that's what we do. Also, everyone who voted and said they'd help critique queries, now's your chance.
Dear Agent,Okay, so I still don't know much about genre definitions, but I found a link where agent Vicki Motter talks about Magical Realism . . . and she'd not a fan of the term, though she's not the only agent out there. I still recommend YA Contemporary Fantasy or YA Paranormal Romance.
Because you’re so awesome I thought you might be interested in my magical realism YA, LOVESENSE (55,000 words).
Seventeen-year-old RAE can look at a photograph of a couple and determine the length of their relationship by its smell—a strange gift of “lovesense” she’s always had. The worse the stench, the nastier the breakup. It’s why she owns more nose plugs than an Olympic swimmer, avoids checkout stand magazines, and dreads her photo counter job. Because Rae has never sniffed an everlasting relationship, she believes true love only exists in fairy tales.There's a lot of great information in this paragraph, and I think all of it is important. I also love the quirky details about what she does to avoid smelling a bad relationship photo. I would consider rethinking "dreads" for her photo counter job. Dread suggests fear for a future evil, and, well, if she still has the job, she probably shows up there on a fairly regular basis. Maybe a different detail? Like never peeks at the wedding photos? Also, can she tell the length of time until breakup, or just how bad it will be?
Also, maybe it's just my own worldview, but I've seen tons and tons of successful relationships, so I have a hard time buying that she has never smelled something good from a couple's photo. Also, if no one ever gets good news about their relationship, why would people pay her to predict that they will break up? I'd buy that most relationships smell rotten, but all? I have a problem with that. Especially since it seems that Rae is seemingly the only one who can find her true love. Seems unfair, even if she is the MC.
Trying to make the best of her lovesense, she runs an anonymous drop-your-photo-and-cash-here business at school. As Rae focuses on passing Junior English and conquering the 110-meter hurdles, she smells relationships ending through bat guano, rotten eggs, and half-masticated rotting seal. Until an old photograph changes everything: Rae smells something good. And, this time, she’s in the picture.Again, good details. I'd refine the phrase "she smells relationships ending through"--I love the detail on the bad smells, but the phrasing is awkward and I had to read it a few times. Also, since this paragraph starts talking about her business, it makes it seem like the photo was submitted to the drop-box, but that's not what it says. I'd suggest clarifying it one way or the other. I do love the detail that it's a picture of herself with a mysterious boy.
Finding the grown-up version of the mysterious baby boy she once played with becomes her quest. But just as Rae begins to open herself to the idea of true love, her nemesis exposes Rae’s secret talent and illegal school activities. Now she’s suspended from school, banned from the City-County track meet, and rumored to be a psycho gypsy freak.This paragraph is good, too, but I think it can be better. Instead of saying that finding the boy becomes her quest, is there a way to word it that also hints at her struggle to understand why she's bothering? Again, if she has even once seen/smelled a good solid relationship, she would have a reason to believe. What is it that makes her believe in love if all she has seen is failure? (AKA: That must have been some smell.)
Also, calling a nemesis a "nemesis" is rather cliche and cartooney. This is compounded by the fact that I'm guessing that the nemesis is the boy in the photo, so I want more details and I think you're trying to be sneaky by hiding behind cheesy labels--which only draws more attention to it. If I'm right, give him/her a gender (preferably male) and a name so that I can think I'm right and so I'll really really want to read the book to find out. If I'm wrong, leave the nemesis out and just say she's exposed. True nemeses are important--just ask Perry the Platypus--so they deserve a few more details. The more (brief) details you can give me about him/her, the more I'll wonder if my crazy theory is wrong.
Rae must embrace her lovesense and take a chance on love if she’s ever going to find her match, or face her classmates again.I think this is adequate, but think about also tossing in her plan to thwart the nemesis. It'll be even better if my crazy theory is right and she's both trying to find him and thwart him. :)
I have included the first ten pages of the manuscript. The complete manuscript is available upon request.I'm assuming you're also going to put some sort of biographical information in the query? If you have zero writing experience, it's okay to leave it out, but if there is anything that makes you the perfect person to write this book, it could be helpful to include it.
Thank you for your time and consideration,Robin Hall
[Contact info redacted]As I said before (and I'm not the first)--be careful not to let your query voice fall victim to a desire to take someone else's advice. In a toss-up between good voice and a perfectly structured, voiceless query, agents are more likely to overlook structural flaws than flat voice. Or so it seems to me. You write it the way you want it, and everyone else can butt out.
Speaking of whom, anyone else want to chime in? Any genre experts? Anyone else suspect that the nemesis is really Rae's true love?
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