GUTGAA Week 4: First 200 Words

For the final week of the Gearin' Up to Get an Agent blogfest, hosted by the amazing Deana Barnhart, we are perfecting our first pages! First we're posting them on our blogs and hopping around to give feedback and advice. (One of the query contestants last week was smart enough to take MY advice and made the finals!) :D (No, I'm not bitter.)

Then, by Tuesday at 3:00 PM EDT, we email our official entries to Deana, where they will be judged by a team of preliminary judges and then by Agent Kathleen Rushall of the Marsal Lyon Literary Agency and by writer Monica B.W..

Yes, yes, I know. I just posted for a first page contest last week. That was a different contest. With different judges. And different participants (probably). If you helped me out with that one, feel free to either help again or ignore this post.

UPDATE: Once again, based on the awesome comments, I've revised the first page and would like feedback on whether I've been successful in fixing the issues you all saw. The original is just below, with the revision after that. Thanks, everyone!

So, without further ado, I present my first 205 words for my YA Fantasy:

Brina knew better than to go out in public looking less than her dubious best.

She knew it, but figured hurrying home for her mother’s birthday party would merit a special dispensation of luck. She didn’t even bother to grow to human size first, but left her purse and car keys with Moria and launched herself out the palace window.

The first flash came from her left and, like an idiot, she twisted toward it. Which is how the photographer’s zoom lens caught her: eyes opened wide, long braid slicked back from her face with her own sweat, and limbs sticking out at startled angles from her workout tank and short-shorts. All of it glowing softly brown in the dusk.

As a special bonus, the magazine’s cover photo had captured the moment her four bright white wings had frozen in shock, sending her plummeting a few feet downward. The resulting portrait could have been entitled “Freak, Falling” but instead the headline proclaimed: “Human-Pixie Hybrids: The Last American Taboo.” That worked, too.

Naturally, it was taped to her locker first thing Tuesday morning. The cover hadn’t been torn carefully, and a jagged gash ripped halfway through Brina’s right wing. As if she needed help looking ridiculous.

So, what do you think? Got any advice that will help me beat you in the contest? :D

REVISION (210 words):

Brina knew better than to go out in public looking less than her questionable best.

She knew it, but figured hurrying home for her mother’s birthday party deserved a special endowment of luck. She didn’t even grow to human size first, but left her purse and car keys with her best friend Moira and launched herself out the palace window into the sweltering air of San Antonio, Texas.

The first flash came from her left and, like an idiot, she twisted toward it. Which is how the photographer’s zoom lens caught her: eyes opened wide, long braid slicked back from her face with her own sweat, and limbs sticking out at startled angles from her workout tank and short-shorts. All of it glowing softly brown in the dusk.

As a special bonus, the magazine’s cover photo had captured the moment her four bright white wings froze in shock, sending her plummeting a few feet downward. The resulting portrait could have been entitled “Freak, Falling” but instead the headline proclaimed: “Human-Pixie Hybrids: The Last American Taboo.” That worked, too.

Naturally, the magazine cover was taped to her locker first thing Tuesday morning. Brina stopped dead in the middle of the hallway, forcing her human and pixie classmates to swerve around her.

 Annnd... cut! Is that any better?