YA Paranormal Mystery
72,000
Query:
When one wrong choice lets a killer escape, seventeen-year-old Alex Blackburn needs another chance to prove himself to the Vigiles Nocturni, a secret order that polices the supernatural. Shipped off to his grandma’s for the summer, he plans to spend his days honing his martial arts skills and preparing for his opportunity for redemption. At least until girls start disappearing from Grandma’s sleepy college town.
Facing down his past mistakes, Alex launches his own rogue investigation. But when the killer sets his sights on Emma, the girl next door and his secret crush since they were kids, the mission takes on new urgency. Emma’s unique ability to sense emotions and memories make her irresistible to the soul devouring monster—and the Vigiles Code forbids Alex from warning her.
Now Alex must decide if he’s willing to defy the Vigiles to protect the girl he loves. Telling her the truth will jeopardize the role he was born into and the only future he’s ever known, but silence may allow the killer to go free. Again.
First 150 Words:
Alex eased into the kitchen and closed the door, holding his breath until the deadbolt slid into place. His eyes darted around the room, the darkness illuminated by the pale green of the florescent lights under the cabinets.
An empty wine glass stood in the sink, collecting water from the faucet. A drop hit the glass with a splash and he pivoted, ready to react. The rest of the house remained still and silent.
He doubted his clumsy attempt to sneak in had gone unnoticed, yet he didn’t hear the telltale creak of his mother’s bedroom door or the soft padding of her footsteps along the hallway. He uncoiled and slipped into the bathroom.
Leaning against the sink, he brushed his sun-bleached hair back to check for cuts or bruises – anything that would draw Mom’s attention – but nothing stood out.
It hadn’t been a clean fight, but he could cover the marks it had left on his body.
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI've seen this before and liked it. You have clear stakes outlined in the query.
The first 150 is great. I can actually see it happening.
Best of luck
Great query and you have a strong voice on your first words. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteSaw your pitch for this and immediately loved it. I would buy this book right now. Love this premise!
ReplyDeletePITCH: Okay, this is one where the stakes at the end of the pitch are very real and understandable. Well done! The pitch is also well-written. Nitpick: I’m not a fan of the fragment at the end of the first paragraph. I’d either integrate it into the sentence before or rephrase it to make it a standalone sentence. (Sorry, I’m a grammar stickler.)
ReplyDeleteFIRST 150: I like this, but I feel like there’s a “gotcha” to it. The first two paragraphs are misleading, and I think it would be stronger if the reader knew up front why he’s so tense. There’s nothing wrong with an opening that doesn’t have life-or-death stakes! Needing to sneak in to his own house and hide the signs of his fight are far more fascinating to me than an ambiguous danger sensation. Great tension, some good details...
YOU’VE GOT MY VOTE!